First, I am going to play hypocrite and quote this:

“BLOGGING: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.”

Borrowed from Despair.com.

I still enjoy a very bitter sense of humour once in a while. But I no longer indulge in it.

In the past, I used blogging as a means to vent my anger, to attempt to untangle my confusion, to voice my misery and dissatisfaction…or just say things I could not vocalize to the world.

The frequency and duration of blog entries that dealt with negativity have decreased. As time went on, I am consistently feeling balanced and in control. Now I use blogging to reflect on my growth, life experiences and milestones.

What are my major life milestones since I last blogged?

1. I am befriending my mother. I am one of her closest counsel and I feel honoured by the trust she placed in me
2. I picked up yoga
3. I restarted belly dancing
4. I am done with regrets of the past, and I no longer fear the future
5. I treasure the time I spend with my little brother
6. I am a better judge of when to let go, and what to hold on to with all my might
7. I floss (almost) every night
8. I sharpened my self-directed learning skills…throw something new at me, and I won’t drop the ball
9. I am keeping the gaze of someone who is capable of taking my breath away

What remains hopelessly Ching?
1. Inefficient daily routine consisting of 80% procrastination and 20% productivity. Pareto principle, I hate you!
2. Messy, messy, messy!
3. New mineral make up fetish: endlessly buying cycles!
4. Defensive, direct and harsh to the general male population. Still haven’t lost my touch in that arena.

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I’ve been neglecting this for so long. In fact, it’s been so long that my UofG account expired and no longer hosts the banner image I put up.

What’s new?

I am now 25. Hitting the prime of my life. I still have a great metabolism, chronic illnesses are still at bay, no radical hormones to calm.

Song of the moment: Giorni Dispari by Einaudi.

It’s one of those pieces that I am immediately drawn to, which is rare. Lots of emotion intertwined in it. I can almost imagine the process and musicians performing. Curiously, it also has the effect of creating imagery…I am envisioning white, calmness, water reflections, healing, celebration.

Even though practicing and playing music is no longer a significant part of my life, I am glad that good music can still touch my soul. The world has a very numbing effect on the senses, I find. No to mention, most of the popular music can hardly qualify as good music and does little for the essence of humanity.

I am fully recognizing the paramount importance of attitude and balance. Difficult to grasp at times. I can let myself slip so easily into a negative loop of lethargy, poor nutrition, no exercise, and little productivity. On the flip side, it’s amazing what a 15 minute jog can do for my spirits.

The age old question of what I want to do with my life still lingers. I doubt this question will ever go away. I am sometimes excited, sometimes doubtful, other times worried. I wonder how applicable societal expectations are to me. What are the consequences if I choose to not fit in the mold that was not made for me? Recognizing that I do not only belong to myself and that my choices could not be selfishly made, how much freedom do I truly possess? Is it important that I have true freedom? A person without obligations to others also would not have true relationships and bonds, in which case freedom would mean nothing.

I am sure, one day, when the key pieces of my life are in place and when the future is no longer a limitless horizon masked in mystery, I will miss today. I will miss the uncertainty. I will also miss the ability to imagine the possibilities.

I hope my heart music never dies.

The pseudo-philosophy-ing ends here.

This is long overdue according to one of the few faithful readers. However, I feel as though I don’t have much to report on.

Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps it means I am not suffering from frequent emotional tantrums and other sorts of disequilibrium that would justify literary venting.

Perhaps it also means that nothing is really going on in my life.

I guess all of the above is true.

I’ll be in school for the next 1.5 years. Life planning is taking a backseat while I focus on the present: coursework and thesis.

To my pleasant surprise, I like my current program much more than I anticipated. I appreciate the resourceful faculty and staff. I take full advantage of the office space and free printing. Coursework can be a bitch, but the material is interesting, highly relevant and maintains my motivation. Colleagues are friendly. My thesis supervisor is a robot, but a kind one.

A few things won’t change though. I am still falling behind. Partly because I have become an even better procrastinator! Sometimes my heart race and my brows furrow when the topic of medschool application comes up. I’m still healing from the rat race of undergrad. I still have the attention span of a grasshopper. Someday I’ll improve it to the equivalent of a cat.

Life cracked open….light got in.

I have a new goal.

A new fire.

Something to aim for and work towards.

A place in the world. A seat just for me.

This is what life should be about and why I am alive.

I hope this moment of happiness, balance, contentment and clarity will last.

Editing sucks.

Everyone is applying for scholarships, except me.

There are drosophila flying around in my room and the fact that I can’t catch them pisses me off.

I am working (or at least aim to) work all weekend.

Mom has a lesion in her brain, which could mean anything from “it’s a very common and benign” to “it’s a malignant tumor”

My head hurts.

I feel as though I am back in high school with the small class size. Even though conversations flow easily and I am surrounded by people, somehow friendships have yet to happen.

I am paying too much for my cellphone. I am only calling home nowadays.

I am no longer involved in the university community. Heck, there really *isn’t* a community at all. Everyone is devoted to their own little niche. I don’t know why I cared so much in undergrad. I got nothing out of that.

I think about the past too much.

I worry about the future too much.

My appetite has increased, most likely attributed to the stressful lifestyle. I wish my metabolism could slow down because what I can carry home on a grocery run should last longer.

I input extra effort in making myself look presentable every morning. I don’t know why.

I need to find balance.

Blah.

To a person who loved school since day one of her public education18 years ago (not counting the days she spend dreaming about being in school prior to that), more school should not be dreadful.

School was somehow better back in the day. That must be it.

Let’s see, when was school easy and enjoyable?

Kindergarden: Memorized many English words effortlessly then forgot them completely, also effortlessly.

Gr 1: I didn’t understand the concept of homework after the first day of class. The following day, we all got yelled at by the teacher. Apparently no one remembered what the homework was…except the class rep. Everyone understood from that day forth.

Gr 2: Hated mandatory midday naps. That’s right. Communists make kids sleep so adults can sleep. I was running the best self-recharging Energizer battery known as youth. God, lying awake for two hours was awful!

Gr 3: Mom left for Canada. Had my appendix removed and that made me miss all my finals. I was honestly disappointed at that. What a fool I was.

Gr. 4: I got very upset and even teased because of a 93% on the Math final exam. The class average was 100%.

Gr. 5: Wow Canada! Where teachers do not consistently public humiliate you if you don’t have the answer.

Gr. 6: I didn’t get English jokes. ESL is too slow. Let’s do Math all day because I am way superior.

Gr. 7: French? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 8: Fit in? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 9: I swear this year did not happen. I have no recollection.

Gr. 10: I can’t remember this year either.

Gr. 11: Chemistry? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 12: University next next year eh?

OAC: University *is* next year. I am going to be an Engineer, no wait…Accountant…no wait...Scientist (of somesort?)

Undergrad yr 1: Made smart friends

Undergrad yr 2: Smart friends are not in my major, how am I supposed to pass my classes?

Undergrad yr 3: Guelph is getting to me. What’s Australia like?

Undergrad yr 4: Why am I still in undergrad? Life sucks and I want out. Complete burn out.

(I miss school)

Gradschool: God I am so average. I am not going to get any scholarships anyways, why is my department making me apply?