Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I miss school
As I was having brekky this morning, I flipped through some of the Marketing papers Derek is grading (he is TAing advanced Marketing @ Mac).
The SWOT Analysis brought back a wave of nostalgia. Somehow I miss school, as wrong as it seems. Who wouldn’t prefer money, no homework and free time over essays, exams and group projects? I think this just exemplifies my tragic flaw of not being able to ever make life easy for myself.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Insomnia
Insomnia happens on occasion to everyone. Not a big deal. But I was kept awake by generalized irrational fear, which is very strange and somewhat troublesome for someone like me.
By nature, I am a fiercely independent person. I ran away from home repeatedly when I was two. I almost never slept in my parents’ bed for comfort and safety reasons. I had no trouble letting go for the first day of school, got there and back on my own. No fear of darkness, thunder, lightening, heights, random unknown forests and bushes. Spiders and cockroaches still bother me though.
Perhaps the string of events earlier on in the night had something to do with it. Grey’s Anatomy left me in a somewhat shaken state with all the emotional helplessness. Before my sympathetic nervous system got a rest, the fire alarm went off in the building. False alarm, but it certainly perpetuated feelings of uncertainty. When I came back my ears were ringing from the alarm which made the silence almost unbearable. All of a sudden I was hit with the horrible awareness that I am alone. I managed to distract myself nicely for about an hour. But as I was about to go to bed, the unsettling feeling came back, at which point I was desperately wishing that I wasn’t alone and that my roommate would come home soon. And almost miraculously right then I heard the sound of him coming through the door. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem as I had hoped. I kept on thinking that something bad is going to happen, or something horrible is going to reveal itself around the corner. Lying in my bed, I could feel my heart pound in my chest. My head swamp with strange imagery…the baby-eating monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, someone really horribly burned and screaming in pain. I couldn’t stand having my sleep mask on or have my blanket over my face because the darkness was frightening. Derek made not a sound in the next room. I wish that he would snore so I know someone alive is close by. I had half a mind to go and wake him up and ask if I could sleep in his room. I wanted to call Chase to calm myself down but I stopped myself—my fears are completely illogical and psychological.
It was a long night.
Strangely enough, I had no nightmares. The morning was most welcome.
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By nature, I am a fiercely independent person. I ran away from home repeatedly when I was two. I almost never slept in my parents’ bed for comfort and safety reasons. I had no trouble letting go for the first day of school, got there and back on my own. No fear of darkness, thunder, lightening, heights, random unknown forests and bushes. Spiders and cockroaches still bother me though.
Perhaps the string of events earlier on in the night had something to do with it. Grey’s Anatomy left me in a somewhat shaken state with all the emotional helplessness. Before my sympathetic nervous system got a rest, the fire alarm went off in the building. False alarm, but it certainly perpetuated feelings of uncertainty. When I came back my ears were ringing from the alarm which made the silence almost unbearable. All of a sudden I was hit with the horrible awareness that I am alone. I managed to distract myself nicely for about an hour. But as I was about to go to bed, the unsettling feeling came back, at which point I was desperately wishing that I wasn’t alone and that my roommate would come home soon. And almost miraculously right then I heard the sound of him coming through the door. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem as I had hoped. I kept on thinking that something bad is going to happen, or something horrible is going to reveal itself around the corner. Lying in my bed, I could feel my heart pound in my chest. My head swamp with strange imagery…the baby-eating monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, someone really horribly burned and screaming in pain. I couldn’t stand having my sleep mask on or have my blanket over my face because the darkness was frightening. Derek made not a sound in the next room. I wish that he would snore so I know someone alive is close by. I had half a mind to go and wake him up and ask if I could sleep in his room. I wanted to call Chase to calm myself down but I stopped myself—my fears are completely illogical and psychological.
It was a long night.
Strangely enough, I had no nightmares. The morning was most welcome.
