Friday, May 28, 2004
Update
Ack...I'm so sick *cough cough sneeze*
All thanks to my brother. He is certainly generous with his germs.
I knew that this week was going to be busy...
I signed myself up to paint a park bench as a part of Bench Art 2004, the first annual fundraiser organized by the Stone Road Mall to raise money for accessible park facilities for people with disabilities. I knew that my design was very challenging...painting a realistic mouse and a tiger is no easy task! I've never actually painted animals before and I'm not familiar the technique of painting fur either. But I just said to myself: I'll give it a try, see how it goes.
Well, so far, after one week, the project is still in preparation phase because the nature of my design requires some alteration of the bench. I have to cut away some of the back and side of the bench to give a silhouette of a mouse...this has turned out to be a giant pain! First, when I got the assembled bench delivered to the highschool (I couldn’t possibly handle this project at home) and told Mr. Mazar (the woodshop teacher; he is the gentlest, kindest man…and he looks like Santa Clause…with the help of a LOT of padding) about my idea, he told me that it is very difficult if not impossible. I certainly didn’t see that one coming. I thought that the bench could be altered in no time and I’ll just have to moan over the painting. Great! Well, the shape is a crucial part of my design and I can’t just discard it. I ended up receiving an unassembled bench so I can precut the pieces into the shapes I want then assemble them together. Easier said than done. I ate dust for about half a day sanding and used about a dozen power tools with names I can’t remember and it’s still not assembled yet. I have to go back and finish it on Monday.
I think this is the biggest art project I’ve ever tackled!
And I have about two weeks to complete it.
It seems like a lot of time…but not really, because I’ve also landed a factory job. Yep, my job title is biscuit packager. And training is happening next Monday-Thursday, eight hrs each day. And that work week continues with 12hr shifts on Friday and Saturday. So…I’ll be working 56hrs. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that! Maybe I’ll tell them that I won’t be able to work the 12hr shifts…I know I need money for Australia but I’m not going to kill myself before actually landing in Sydney!
So basically, I’ve managed to totally kill my free time again. It’s my special talent---making life difficult for myself!
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All thanks to my brother. He is certainly generous with his germs.
I knew that this week was going to be busy...
I signed myself up to paint a park bench as a part of Bench Art 2004, the first annual fundraiser organized by the Stone Road Mall to raise money for accessible park facilities for people with disabilities. I knew that my design was very challenging...painting a realistic mouse and a tiger is no easy task! I've never actually painted animals before and I'm not familiar the technique of painting fur either. But I just said to myself: I'll give it a try, see how it goes.
Well, so far, after one week, the project is still in preparation phase because the nature of my design requires some alteration of the bench. I have to cut away some of the back and side of the bench to give a silhouette of a mouse...this has turned out to be a giant pain! First, when I got the assembled bench delivered to the highschool (I couldn’t possibly handle this project at home) and told Mr. Mazar (the woodshop teacher; he is the gentlest, kindest man…and he looks like Santa Clause…with the help of a LOT of padding) about my idea, he told me that it is very difficult if not impossible. I certainly didn’t see that one coming. I thought that the bench could be altered in no time and I’ll just have to moan over the painting. Great! Well, the shape is a crucial part of my design and I can’t just discard it. I ended up receiving an unassembled bench so I can precut the pieces into the shapes I want then assemble them together. Easier said than done. I ate dust for about half a day sanding and used about a dozen power tools with names I can’t remember and it’s still not assembled yet. I have to go back and finish it on Monday.
I think this is the biggest art project I’ve ever tackled!
And I have about two weeks to complete it.
It seems like a lot of time…but not really, because I’ve also landed a factory job. Yep, my job title is biscuit packager. And training is happening next Monday-Thursday, eight hrs each day. And that work week continues with 12hr shifts on Friday and Saturday. So…I’ll be working 56hrs. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that! Maybe I’ll tell them that I won’t be able to work the 12hr shifts…I know I need money for Australia but I’m not going to kill myself before actually landing in Sydney!
So basically, I’ve managed to totally kill my free time again. It’s my special talent---making life difficult for myself!
Monday, May 24, 2004
Anime North
Anime North is a fan-run anime convention held during Victoria Day Weekend every year. It’s an annual tradition for my friend Bronwen and I. Because of the whole Australia thing, I decided not to go this year. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Bronwen didn’t buy my depressing speech over the phone and she managed to drag me there…in a limousine. That’s right…we headed down to the Park Plaza hotel in style. The only thing is that I looked like crap. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that, I looked presentable for any normal day but shouldn’t I be in a gown or a wedding dress riding a limo? Anyways, this year would be our forth time attending Anime North. The first time we went, we didn’t really know what it was about thus made the mistake of wearing regular shirts and jeans. We felt horribly out of place because everyone were not themselves; they were dressed up as their favourite anime/fantasy/video game character. This is called cosplaying. It seems like fun so Bronwen and I decided to try this cosplaying thing out. This year, Bronwen suggested that I attend Anime North as the psycho schoolgirl Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill I. She painstakingly made Gogo’s weapon, a morning star, for me. My job was to assemble the rest of the costume. I was lucky enough to find a dress that could be altered (just chop off the top) into a skirt that would resemble the one from the movie. All anime lovers (otakus) are insane, myself included. To prove it…see the picture here. And here’s one more.
Of course, a lot of people requested my photo. Several individuals were overly friendly but the cold shoulder reaction certainly killed off the friendlyness. If only I still have my long hair…then I would have been a perfect Gogo. It’s funny; with that costume on, every time I look in the mirror, I couldn’t recognize myself. I thought: my God! I really could pull it off as a regular Japanese schoolgirl! I didn’t really like that epiphany because I don’t know how I’ll be able to survive without wearing jeans or pants everyday. I really hate wearing short skirts; so I prepared…I wore black bike shorts underneath. And a good thing too; I was forced to walk along a highway on a windy day to get to the TCC (Toronto Convention Centre) from our hotel. The last thing I want is to flash everyone. Like Christa mentioned once, it takes TALENT to be able to sit down, bend over, and move around in a short skirt WITHOUT flashing anyone. Two cars honked as we were walking. I don’t know if that’s because I’m dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform or maybe they recognized me as Gogo. Or maybe they were honking at Diya because she bared more flesh than I did. Either way, I’m a little disturbed and I’ll pretend that didn’t happen.
The most insane thing I did was to participate in the Masquerade, where people in costumes go on stage to present themselves and do a little skit with music, if they chose to. Since Bronwen had put so much work into making the morning star for me, I decided that I would enter…without a skit or music. The organization of the event was a mess. Only a handful of volunteers were there to manage hundreds of people waiting in line in order to sign-in and be divided into groups. The scene was even more chaotic than Trick-or-Eat last year (an annual Halloween charity event where students go out to collect food for the foodbank).
In terms of my schedule, we were all getting picked up by Bronwen’s parents at 10pm and the Masquerade was scheduled to start at 8pm. This would not have been a problem if the Masquerade had started on time. But apparently delays are normal, the Masquerade is notorious for running at least an hour behind schedule…I decided to drop out of it. As I was telling the stressed out staff that I will no longer participate due to time constraints, I thought they wouldn’t really give a damn about my situation and be happy to get rid of one entry. But they were actually really concerned and I managed to get three people helping me to change the entrance order and put me in the beginning so I can make it home on time. I got switched from entrant # 101 to # 9B also avoided most of the line up. I felt kinda bad tying people up with my problem while hundreds of other people are waiting to be looked after. Oh well, I guess being Gogo comes with special rewards.
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Of course, a lot of people requested my photo. Several individuals were overly friendly but the cold shoulder reaction certainly killed off the friendlyness. If only I still have my long hair…then I would have been a perfect Gogo. It’s funny; with that costume on, every time I look in the mirror, I couldn’t recognize myself. I thought: my God! I really could pull it off as a regular Japanese schoolgirl! I didn’t really like that epiphany because I don’t know how I’ll be able to survive without wearing jeans or pants everyday. I really hate wearing short skirts; so I prepared…I wore black bike shorts underneath. And a good thing too; I was forced to walk along a highway on a windy day to get to the TCC (Toronto Convention Centre) from our hotel. The last thing I want is to flash everyone. Like Christa mentioned once, it takes TALENT to be able to sit down, bend over, and move around in a short skirt WITHOUT flashing anyone. Two cars honked as we were walking. I don’t know if that’s because I’m dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform or maybe they recognized me as Gogo. Or maybe they were honking at Diya because she bared more flesh than I did. Either way, I’m a little disturbed and I’ll pretend that didn’t happen.
The most insane thing I did was to participate in the Masquerade, where people in costumes go on stage to present themselves and do a little skit with music, if they chose to. Since Bronwen had put so much work into making the morning star for me, I decided that I would enter…without a skit or music. The organization of the event was a mess. Only a handful of volunteers were there to manage hundreds of people waiting in line in order to sign-in and be divided into groups. The scene was even more chaotic than Trick-or-Eat last year (an annual Halloween charity event where students go out to collect food for the foodbank).
In terms of my schedule, we were all getting picked up by Bronwen’s parents at 10pm and the Masquerade was scheduled to start at 8pm. This would not have been a problem if the Masquerade had started on time. But apparently delays are normal, the Masquerade is notorious for running at least an hour behind schedule…I decided to drop out of it. As I was telling the stressed out staff that I will no longer participate due to time constraints, I thought they wouldn’t really give a damn about my situation and be happy to get rid of one entry. But they were actually really concerned and I managed to get three people helping me to change the entrance order and put me in the beginning so I can make it home on time. I got switched from entrant # 101 to # 9B also avoided most of the line up. I felt kinda bad tying people up with my problem while hundreds of other people are waiting to be looked after. Oh well, I guess being Gogo comes with special rewards.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I give up! I give in! I'm learning not to make life difficult for myself.
I’ve decided that I’m utterly hopeless this year in terms of getting a job. First, I decided to quit my position at Menswear at Sears, then a week later, got offerred a position at Sears Optical which pays about 25% more. I decided to turn down that offer because there’s no way I can work both Sat and Sun without missing out on everything and choke with the workload. Okay, so I choose to be unemployed. Then I stupidly told Sears after this semester is over that I’ll only be here until the end of June. So I lost the chance to go back to the job I’d plan to go back to. Then I got an interview in the Mall. The interview went superbly well, I even used Alana Davis’s 32 Flavours as one of my answers (the interview question was “What song do you feel would best describe you as a person?”) I don’t know where the heck they got that question from but they were impressed by my answer. Then I managed to not be home and missed the job offer. Two weeks later, got another interview, and they were going to call me today. This time, I planned to be home to answer the call.
…But I stupidly locked myself out today.
So I’m going to the Royal Botanical Gardens with James. I give up. I’m hopeless! Screw getting a job. I’m going to complete as many art projects as possible from now until the end of June and just relax.
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…But I stupidly locked myself out today.
So I’m going to the Royal Botanical Gardens with James. I give up. I’m hopeless! Screw getting a job. I’m going to complete as many art projects as possible from now until the end of June and just relax.
Monday, May 17, 2004
So little time
Reality check time! Okay, I’m leaving on a plane to Australia in 42 days. In my previous entry, I’ve listed all the stuff I’m supposed to do before then. To be honest, I do have enough on my plate as it is. I know Mom and Dad really appreciate having me around so they can be lazy and shove some of the housework on to me. If we are actually selling our house then there’s much more work to be done. As well, I have enough art projects to last me until the end of June. Why am I making it more stressful for myself by getting a job? Yeah, I do need money; but let’s face it…how much money could I possibly make working for about 8 hrs a week on a salary close to minimum wage? About $ 230. Not much eh? So why do I even bother? Well, to make myself feel better, I guess. I knew that I made a mistake quitting Sears in January then relying on the hopes that they would hire me back (which they told me they would). I took a chance there. What I really shouldn’t have done was telling them that I’ll only be around until the end of June. This is why they didn’t hire me back! So much for being honest!
But given that I’ve screwed myself over, that Sears screwed me over, does that grant me the right to screw another store over? The only reason I’m getting interviews is because I’ve been telling every store that I’ll be around until the fall; which is entirely false. The store I got interviewed today is looking for someone to work about 8 hrs for about two weeks then 20+ hrs mid June to July because one of the associates is going on vacation for a month. It’s a small store, 4 people working there including the manager. So if I wave bye bye at the end of June, I’ll be screwing them over big time. Oh and, what excuse am I using? Something along the line of “I have a family emergency in China that I must attend to; I’ve booked a flight that leaves on June 28th. I’m afraid I cannot work here anymore. Goodbye.” I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off. *sigh* All this for only about $250? Or maybe for my own ego? Then again, I had a lot of competition for this position. So I’m sure that they won’t have a problem replacing me…it’ll just be a bit more stressful for them. I wish I know what to do…or what not to do!
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But given that I’ve screwed myself over, that Sears screwed me over, does that grant me the right to screw another store over? The only reason I’m getting interviews is because I’ve been telling every store that I’ll be around until the fall; which is entirely false. The store I got interviewed today is looking for someone to work about 8 hrs for about two weeks then 20+ hrs mid June to July because one of the associates is going on vacation for a month. It’s a small store, 4 people working there including the manager. So if I wave bye bye at the end of June, I’ll be screwing them over big time. Oh and, what excuse am I using? Something along the line of “I have a family emergency in China that I must attend to; I’ve booked a flight that leaves on June 28th. I’m afraid I cannot work here anymore. Goodbye.” I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off. *sigh* All this for only about $250? Or maybe for my own ego? Then again, I had a lot of competition for this position. So I’m sure that they won’t have a problem replacing me…it’ll just be a bit more stressful for them. I wish I know what to do…or what not to do!
Sunday, May 16, 2004
To do list
*sigh*
I’ve been cut off from this computer for about 24 hrs and I got incredibly edgy. It’s going to be interesting in Australia since I won’t have a computer of my own.
I have a long list of things to do:
-Find a kilt
-Apply for OSAP
-Write my Will
-Get a physical exam before I leave
-Practice for my driver’s exam (June 9th)
-Finish clay projects
-Finish/start research on design for Batik (waxing then dipping fabric in dye to create interesting prints)
-Start painting bench for BenchArt 2004 contest ( I have no idea why I signed myself up for such a big project!)
-Plan/start on my canvas painting
-Start on the inkwash drawing featuring Christa!
-Finish folding the laundry
-Get a job (interview on Monday)
-Visit Botanical Garden with James
-Finish cleaning out my drawers
-Clean out my closet
-Volunteer at Mom's lab (possibly)
-Return my locker key back to the Porter in the McKinnon building
-Find that library book that I misplaced
-Finish scanning my own artwork to put up on a website
-Start making webpages containing my own artwork
-Repaint the deck
Yeah…I’m kept busy these days…even without a job!
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I’ve been cut off from this computer for about 24 hrs and I got incredibly edgy. It’s going to be interesting in Australia since I won’t have a computer of my own.
I have a long list of things to do:
-Find a kilt
-Apply for OSAP
-Write my Will
-Get a physical exam before I leave
-Practice for my driver’s exam (June 9th)
-Finish clay projects
-Finish/start research on design for Batik (waxing then dipping fabric in dye to create interesting prints)
-Start painting bench for BenchArt 2004 contest ( I have no idea why I signed myself up for such a big project!)
-Plan/start on my canvas painting
-Start on the inkwash drawing featuring Christa!
-Finish folding the laundry
-Get a job (interview on Monday)
-Visit Botanical Garden with James
-Finish cleaning out my drawers
-Clean out my closet
-Volunteer at Mom's lab (possibly)
-Return my locker key back to the Porter in the McKinnon building
-Find that library book that I misplaced
-Finish scanning my own artwork to put up on a website
-Start making webpages containing my own artwork
-Repaint the deck
Yeah…I’m kept busy these days…even without a job!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Home (not so sweet) home
I know I have little more than a month left living at home. I hate every moment of it, especially this week because my mother is at home instead at work. I’m forced to put up with constant rant, lecturing, complaining on how I’m supposed to pick up more house work. Gee ma, I don’t recall seeing you ever holding a laundry basket in the last month! Honestly, I think the only solution is for me to get a sex change.
She made a comment on how I couldn’t stand to be home for one entire day. I wish I could tell her it’s because she is home and I can’t stand it. But no…I have to pretend to be an angel…just for a little longer. Then she said, in a very sarcastic tone, how wonderful it is for me to just go off and do what I want (referring to the fact that I’m going back to the art room to finish some more artwork). Are you telling me that I shouldn’t pursue what makes me happy and share your misery here? Is it my fault that you and Dad decided to get another child when both of you are working and getting old thus lacking both the time and energy to sufficiently look after the child? Is it my fault that you find your current life not very enjoyable? I made the comment that she is just jealous. She admitted so.
Wow…I just reread what I wrote…I sound so incredibly bitter…
At times, I actually do feel that bitter. Why is it that I have to take on the responsibility of getting my brother dressed, washed up, fed, and catch the school bus every morning? Shouldn’t Mom or Dad be taking care of this? Why is it, that I have send my brother to his violin lessons, skating lessons, swimming lessons? Shouldn’t Mom or Dad be taking care of this? Why am I obligated to take on tasks of motherhood when I’m not a mother myself? Why am I bound to these obligations when I’m not ready, when these are really not my responsibilities, when I have better things to do? By nature, I’m not fond of babies. Most of the time you’ll see me playing with them or acting nice. I am not a cold hearted person…and I would melt if a kid is acting cute. But occasionally, I behave that way just to prove to the world that I’m not weird because I don’t like kids. Something is definitely wrong with you if you don’t like kids! That is the norm. But given my experience with the pains and obligations of parenthood watching my little brother grow up, wouldn’t it be understandable that I don’t want any of my own?
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She made a comment on how I couldn’t stand to be home for one entire day. I wish I could tell her it’s because she is home and I can’t stand it. But no…I have to pretend to be an angel…just for a little longer. Then she said, in a very sarcastic tone, how wonderful it is for me to just go off and do what I want (referring to the fact that I’m going back to the art room to finish some more artwork). Are you telling me that I shouldn’t pursue what makes me happy and share your misery here? Is it my fault that you and Dad decided to get another child when both of you are working and getting old thus lacking both the time and energy to sufficiently look after the child? Is it my fault that you find your current life not very enjoyable? I made the comment that she is just jealous. She admitted so.
Wow…I just reread what I wrote…I sound so incredibly bitter…
At times, I actually do feel that bitter. Why is it that I have to take on the responsibility of getting my brother dressed, washed up, fed, and catch the school bus every morning? Shouldn’t Mom or Dad be taking care of this? Why is it, that I have send my brother to his violin lessons, skating lessons, swimming lessons? Shouldn’t Mom or Dad be taking care of this? Why am I obligated to take on tasks of motherhood when I’m not a mother myself? Why am I bound to these obligations when I’m not ready, when these are really not my responsibilities, when I have better things to do? By nature, I’m not fond of babies. Most of the time you’ll see me playing with them or acting nice. I am not a cold hearted person…and I would melt if a kid is acting cute. But occasionally, I behave that way just to prove to the world that I’m not weird because I don’t like kids. Something is definitely wrong with you if you don’t like kids! That is the norm. But given my experience with the pains and obligations of parenthood watching my little brother grow up, wouldn’t it be understandable that I don’t want any of my own?
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Help?
Does anyone have a blue/grey kilt I can borrow for a few days? Does anybody know where I can get one cheap? Does anyone know one of those Catholic school girls? I'm trying to cosplay as Gogo from Kill Bill for the Anime Convention so I need a kilt.
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Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Random rant
I found this cartoon somewhere. I just cracked up because I remember Erika, this Spanish chick I used to work with, saying that she thinks thongs are the most comfortable things in the world. Well, looks like I'm not the only person in the world who would beg to differ.
And what's up with all the highschool girlz and their mini mini skirts? I remember having a pink one like those when I was 11 years old and I thought I looked cute...like, the innocent kinda cute. Hey...I was 11, not much to look at. These girls....wearing them when they are 17? Well, these girls are cuuuute but definitely not the innocent kind of cute. They know they've got it...and the skirt is definitely not a subtle way to let the world know. They remind me of those Catholic girlz with their kilt & knee-highs...I guess is how the public schools get even.
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And what's up with all the highschool girlz and their mini mini skirts? I remember having a pink one like those when I was 11 years old and I thought I looked cute...like, the innocent kinda cute. Hey...I was 11, not much to look at. These girls....wearing them when they are 17? Well, these girls are cuuuute but definitely not the innocent kind of cute. They know they've got it...and the skirt is definitely not a subtle way to let the world know. They remind me of those Catholic girlz with their kilt & knee-highs...I guess is how the public schools get even.
Monday, May 10, 2004
A World Apart
It’s been awhile since I’ve actually sat down and read Chinese literature. It’s not really good literature per se, this magazine called Fictional Monthly. It’s basically a collection of short and long stories; some are just crap about sex or corruption of the government while others are more interesting. In my opinion anyways…I’ve only had Chinese schooling to grade five before I came to Canada, so who am I to judge literature? I remember when I was still a teenager (I feel old), Mom would always preview all the material before letting me reading anything. Now she just says: here, read if you have time. I was like, aren’t you going to preview them? No, you are a big girl now. I really feel old…
Yesterday (I started this entry yesterday so it used to be “today”), I happen to read a story written by a Chinese lady who’s been in Toronto, and coincidentally, that’s where her story takes place. It’s too bad I couldn’t even pronounce the title…I just don’t remember how to say one of the characters. The story made me realize how horribly Chinese I am and yet at the same time, how Canadianized (I think I just invented a word) my perspective has become. I can understand the Chinese way, not that I agree with all of it; and also be open-minded and accept whatever else that seems to be out there. For one thing, Chinese people think that it’s unreasonable for rich parents to refuse financial support of post-secondary education for their child/children. The way of Chinese parents is to provide to the the best of their ability; as much as it is wanted, as long as it is wanted. We also have a horrible fear of debt, regarding owing money as one of the most shameful things. This is definitely not the perspective held by most Canadians; in fact, debt is a natural part of the life cycle for some…and for others, it is their entire life cycle.
It’s not often that I question my own identity. Yeah, I’m Chinese. Yeah I was made in China. Yeah I once possessed Chinese citizenship but not anymore. I’m Canadian. What does that make me? Simple, whatever I want. Or not so simple. I spend half of my life in China and the other half in Canada. I’m kinda caught in the middle of two worlds here; not sure of which side I should lead towards. Sometimes, realizing that I’m Chinese is comforting and at other times I don’t like being reminded that I’m Chinese, because it makes me feel out of place. I’m sure I’ll be out of place in China too. Never will I be able to go back to that country and expect to fit in like I use to. I’m still trying to hang on to Chinese cooking though, taking that with me to Australia. I’d say that my family has done a good job preserving some Chineseness(definitely made that word up) in me. I know for sure that our perspectives will clash for the next stage in my life. Mom firmly believes that I’ll be a married woman and have several children. My husband will have a Ph.D and she’ll live with us and watch my kids for me and blah blah blah….
I don’t think so. This is one of the reasons I hate being Chinese.
First, I might not marry; but that doesn’t mean that I would not date. Second, I don’t want kids. My motto with regards to children is “kids are great…as long as they are not mine”.
My parents have listed for me, more than once, who I can and cannot marry/date. I was like, but…you just excluded about 85% of the world’s population! I’ll try to bear that in mind when choosing potentials (yeah right). The definition of “potentials” is also different. My parents believe that dating only has one purpose---marriage. According to them, who ever I date, first I have to be able to imagine myself marrying that individual. Therefore, the phrase casual dating is non-existent in their vocabulary; in fact, it would be an oxymoron. No dating is casual if marriage is at stake. As well, there is only a specific time frame in my life time in which I’m allowed to date. I’d say…from about now to before I’m 30. Right now, they are totally uptight and uncomfortable about their little girl dating; just you watch…if my status stays the same, in a year or two, my parents are going to take drastic measures. This means bringing up the topic constantly, pulling strings, setting up blind dates, calling all their connections in China, etc. Anything that my folks hook up would be completely out of the question. So basically, I have to take the initiative to get myself attached somehow if I don’t want my life to be a living hell.
To prove that my theory is on the right track, wife training just started recently because while I’m learning to cook and being forced to clean, Mom would emphasize that these are the duties a good wife should undertake. If I fail then I would lose my man to someone else more capable. I was like…what? How old is that theory? You don’t even cook and clean and Dad never wanted to divorce you! Well, it’s more complicated than that.
Well, that’s just my rant/self evaluation/reflection. I started typing this when I was still 20, now I’m 21. I feel old.
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Yesterday (I started this entry yesterday so it used to be “today”), I happen to read a story written by a Chinese lady who’s been in Toronto, and coincidentally, that’s where her story takes place. It’s too bad I couldn’t even pronounce the title…I just don’t remember how to say one of the characters. The story made me realize how horribly Chinese I am and yet at the same time, how Canadianized (I think I just invented a word) my perspective has become. I can understand the Chinese way, not that I agree with all of it; and also be open-minded and accept whatever else that seems to be out there. For one thing, Chinese people think that it’s unreasonable for rich parents to refuse financial support of post-secondary education for their child/children. The way of Chinese parents is to provide to the the best of their ability; as much as it is wanted, as long as it is wanted. We also have a horrible fear of debt, regarding owing money as one of the most shameful things. This is definitely not the perspective held by most Canadians; in fact, debt is a natural part of the life cycle for some…and for others, it is their entire life cycle.
It’s not often that I question my own identity. Yeah, I’m Chinese. Yeah I was made in China. Yeah I once possessed Chinese citizenship but not anymore. I’m Canadian. What does that make me? Simple, whatever I want. Or not so simple. I spend half of my life in China and the other half in Canada. I’m kinda caught in the middle of two worlds here; not sure of which side I should lead towards. Sometimes, realizing that I’m Chinese is comforting and at other times I don’t like being reminded that I’m Chinese, because it makes me feel out of place. I’m sure I’ll be out of place in China too. Never will I be able to go back to that country and expect to fit in like I use to. I’m still trying to hang on to Chinese cooking though, taking that with me to Australia. I’d say that my family has done a good job preserving some Chineseness(definitely made that word up) in me. I know for sure that our perspectives will clash for the next stage in my life. Mom firmly believes that I’ll be a married woman and have several children. My husband will have a Ph.D and she’ll live with us and watch my kids for me and blah blah blah….
I don’t think so. This is one of the reasons I hate being Chinese.
First, I might not marry; but that doesn’t mean that I would not date. Second, I don’t want kids. My motto with regards to children is “kids are great…as long as they are not mine”.
My parents have listed for me, more than once, who I can and cannot marry/date. I was like, but…you just excluded about 85% of the world’s population! I’ll try to bear that in mind when choosing potentials (yeah right). The definition of “potentials” is also different. My parents believe that dating only has one purpose---marriage. According to them, who ever I date, first I have to be able to imagine myself marrying that individual. Therefore, the phrase casual dating is non-existent in their vocabulary; in fact, it would be an oxymoron. No dating is casual if marriage is at stake. As well, there is only a specific time frame in my life time in which I’m allowed to date. I’d say…from about now to before I’m 30. Right now, they are totally uptight and uncomfortable about their little girl dating; just you watch…if my status stays the same, in a year or two, my parents are going to take drastic measures. This means bringing up the topic constantly, pulling strings, setting up blind dates, calling all their connections in China, etc. Anything that my folks hook up would be completely out of the question. So basically, I have to take the initiative to get myself attached somehow if I don’t want my life to be a living hell.
To prove that my theory is on the right track, wife training just started recently because while I’m learning to cook and being forced to clean, Mom would emphasize that these are the duties a good wife should undertake. If I fail then I would lose my man to someone else more capable. I was like…what? How old is that theory? You don’t even cook and clean and Dad never wanted to divorce you! Well, it’s more complicated than that.
Well, that’s just my rant/self evaluation/reflection. I started typing this when I was still 20, now I’m 21. I feel old.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Breasts
I was in the art room today, working on a clay relief. Kel came in to work his plaster-vermiculite sculpture of a torso of a woman. Kel is this really talented kid who wants to study Architecture in U of Waterloo. I wish him best of luck. I remember him looking at my sketchbook saying it is rated 18A. I was almost offended by that statement, I mean, I know I did plenty of drawings of the female form but they are just drawings. Anyho, Kel’s piece looked really impressive. I especially liked the variation of muscle tone in the back. Of course, if I’d taken anatomy course, then I would’ve been examining the sculpture and telling him that all the muscles are in the wrong place. But there is one thing he needed to improve on---the breasts. Ya think that a guy, being a guy, would have looked at enough girls to know what breasts look like and be able to sculpt it. Nope. I was like “okay Kel, see, you need to carve away more here, because boobs are not attached like that…com’on, think gravity. Think about how the force would make it hang. And by the way, the two breasts are actually not so close together. There is actually a few centimeters of space between them, even though with a bra on the space disappears. Not that you really needed to know that, but you would’ve realize it if you’ve thought about it.” At one point, I make the remark that breasts are just “lobes of fat”. I think Kel was almost offended by my bluntness. Who would like to think that people are fascinated by lobes of fat? Breasts are supposed to be beautiful and sexy, somehow lobes of fat are just not beautiful and sexy.
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Tuesday, May 04, 2004
No news is good news. Therefore all news are bad news
I have several pieces of bad news for my parents (actually, that's all I seem to be lately---the bearer of bad news). Today I chose to tell my mother that my cell phone was stolen (and that happened last year in Dec). I don't know how they didn't find out (without me confessing) for half a year. I mean, when they try the number, a recording comes up and says "this number is no longer in service", which is NOT the message you get when a cell phone is simply not turned on. Anyways...she was not impressed, obviously. My parents are getting me a digital camera for my birthday...I don't know if they'd still trust me. I know I wouldn't.
I still have to tell her that I did horribly this last semester...maybe in the airport before I leave? I'll just run as fast as I can to the plane (Christa, my confession is your cue to run with me, got that?)
James came over to give me money (which both of us end up forgetting and he left without giving me anything) and stayed for a casual lunch. He knocked this time...the last time he visited, he had to call me on his cellphone while standing outside my door saying "hi Ching, it's James. I don't think your door bell is working". Meanwhile, I'm was two feet away from the door inside the house. It was nice to have him visit. I hope he didn't puke up what he ate here (it's a Chinese delicacy). Christa am I scaring you? Don't worry, I don't know how to make that particular dish. You did say that you'll try everything at least once right? I'm promise I won't feed you the adhesive on fabric bandages so you will not die because of me. Come to think of it, adhesive from bandages is not in any Chinese dish I know of, so we are pretty safe:)
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I still have to tell her that I did horribly this last semester...maybe in the airport before I leave? I'll just run as fast as I can to the plane (Christa, my confession is your cue to run with me, got that?)
James came over to give me money (which both of us end up forgetting and he left without giving me anything) and stayed for a casual lunch. He knocked this time...the last time he visited, he had to call me on his cellphone while standing outside my door saying "hi Ching, it's James. I don't think your door bell is working". Meanwhile, I'm was two feet away from the door inside the house. It was nice to have him visit. I hope he didn't puke up what he ate here (it's a Chinese delicacy). Christa am I scaring you? Don't worry, I don't know how to make that particular dish. You did say that you'll try everything at least once right? I'm promise I won't feed you the adhesive on fabric bandages so you will not die because of me. Come to think of it, adhesive from bandages is not in any Chinese dish I know of, so we are pretty safe:)
Monday, May 03, 2004
It's a Monday
Have you ever had one of those days where everything is wrong. It only takes a moment to think about everything that had happened, is happening, and will happen, and realize how fucked up things are. Today is one of those days. No, I’m not pregnant and my family is fine. But the events of this year had disappointed me greatly. I don’t like disappointments and regrets, but right now, I’m forced to face those two things. I now realize that quitting my job at Sears was a stupid move. I could’ve managed working several hours a week during this last semester. My reason for quitting was for school---I thought it would help me focus. Well, guess what, I was anything but focused this last semester, and I have my grades to prove it. I mean, my highest mark this semester is lower than my lowest mark last semester. I’ve regretted over and over again taking Reading Week off wasting time that I really can’t afford to waste. I thought: well, I’m sure I’ll manage; I did it before so I can do it again, right? Wrong. Bad judgment; assuming that what worked for a first year course will be suffice for a third year course to generate the same results. It was a brutal mistake. My midterm marks were enough as a warning, telling me to wake up and get myself together. Well, I didn’t quite get it together for finals. But I’ve gotta say, I’ve definitely gotten better at cramming, but that will not give me the grades I want, need, and should be able to achieve. This, this intense feeling of regret/anger/frustration/disappointment/self pity is not unfamiliar. I remember feeling like this all the time in high school, which is why I thought university is so much better and felt genuinely happier now that I’m in university. My friends back in high school are glad for me, because I’m no longer pessimistic and unhappy all the time. But once again, I’m haunted by this feeling. It’s a phobia I swear, the fear of failing.
Two years ago, I decided to stay in Guelph and study Bio-Medical Science. Due to the nature of the program (or just its name), I also knew that Mom would think I’d consider Med school. She’s always pushed it as a possible career option, but I’ve always told her that I’m not cut out for it because emotionally I would not be able to deal with patients...instead of wanting to help to end their suffering, I’d run the opposite direction. I can't stand ER, the movie Outbreak gave me nightmares, I was glad I even made it through Pearl Harbor. Some fine doc I’ll make. Besides, Med school has the reputation of picking the cream of the crop, the best of the best. Sorry but I’m not of that caliber. I’m just not good enough to get in, so what is the point of trying? All I would get is disappointment, and trust me, life has given me plenty already. I don’t need anymore.
Speaking of disappointment, I just gave myself another one. I had a job interview last Thursday. I thought it went well. They said they’d call on Friday. And obviously I would be home to answer the call right? Nope. So I missed the call and the job went to someone else. It’s not as if I had anything really really important or any place I had to be that day. I just chose not to stay home. Smart move Ching…real smart.
So I’m still on the hunt for a job. It’s really frustrating; knowing that you are worth a lot more than just minimum wage, yet that’s all you can hope for given the circumstances. All because of Australia. God, why am I doing this to myself? I’m making the remainder of my time here at Guelph a living hell because all of my courses will be messed up. Just what am I trying to prove anyways? Why am I blowing all this money, doing all this extra work? What am I looking for? There is no guarantee that I will do well in my courses. There is no guarantee that I won’t get into trouble. I’ve never been on my own before, so how can I possibly handle everything? Am I just running away?? If you haven’t guessed, I hate uncertainty as well.
*sigh*
But the wheels are already set in motion, I cannot turn back. It’s funny, school is over now...I should be feeling all happy and excited and agitated because I’m going away. Instead, I’m all stressed out about my courses (something I thought I’d figured out six months ago), and getting a job so I won’t be forced to pan handle on the streets of Sydney. It’d be really nice if things go as planned. But reality doesn’t quite work that way…it’s a fact, I know. I’m just not that good at accepting it.
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Two years ago, I decided to stay in Guelph and study Bio-Medical Science. Due to the nature of the program (or just its name), I also knew that Mom would think I’d consider Med school. She’s always pushed it as a possible career option, but I’ve always told her that I’m not cut out for it because emotionally I would not be able to deal with patients...instead of wanting to help to end their suffering, I’d run the opposite direction. I can't stand ER, the movie Outbreak gave me nightmares, I was glad I even made it through Pearl Harbor. Some fine doc I’ll make. Besides, Med school has the reputation of picking the cream of the crop, the best of the best. Sorry but I’m not of that caliber. I’m just not good enough to get in, so what is the point of trying? All I would get is disappointment, and trust me, life has given me plenty already. I don’t need anymore.
Speaking of disappointment, I just gave myself another one. I had a job interview last Thursday. I thought it went well. They said they’d call on Friday. And obviously I would be home to answer the call right? Nope. So I missed the call and the job went to someone else. It’s not as if I had anything really really important or any place I had to be that day. I just chose not to stay home. Smart move Ching…real smart.
So I’m still on the hunt for a job. It’s really frustrating; knowing that you are worth a lot more than just minimum wage, yet that’s all you can hope for given the circumstances. All because of Australia. God, why am I doing this to myself? I’m making the remainder of my time here at Guelph a living hell because all of my courses will be messed up. Just what am I trying to prove anyways? Why am I blowing all this money, doing all this extra work? What am I looking for? There is no guarantee that I will do well in my courses. There is no guarantee that I won’t get into trouble. I’ve never been on my own before, so how can I possibly handle everything? Am I just running away?? If you haven’t guessed, I hate uncertainty as well.
*sigh*
But the wheels are already set in motion, I cannot turn back. It’s funny, school is over now...I should be feeling all happy and excited and agitated because I’m going away. Instead, I’m all stressed out about my courses (something I thought I’d figured out six months ago), and getting a job so I won’t be forced to pan handle on the streets of Sydney. It’d be really nice if things go as planned. But reality doesn’t quite work that way…it’s a fact, I know. I’m just not that good at accepting it.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
I feel...
Too frustrated/tired/disappointed/annoyed/angry/unmotivated to make an actual entry.
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