Things need to be done.

Things need to be done differently.

But that’s in the past.

I must move on.

I have this ache and heaviness in my chest. I think the impact of the break up is finally taking its course.

A part of me resents him. But another part of me resents myself more. I resent not being honest with myself, with my emotions, my fear of hurting him…all this summits to hurting him more at the end.

What is more, I have also permanently damaged my relationship with my mother.

So at the end of the day, I lost one relationship and damaged the existing one I had. What is there to be gained? I feel terrible.

I do have to apologize for the fact the first entry after a long gap in cyberspace is not one full of excitement and tall tales. I have no intention of feeling any negative emotions right now, but it can’t be helped—I am back home again. Back to the same disharmony, the same arguments about finances, the usual lack of communication; back to face my Mother.

Okay, I missed my laptop badly. And my bro has been sticking to me like rice cake. My tummy adores the high dosage of soy and rice.

It is not all bad.

Of course, it would have been better had I gotten into UofT. I wouldn’t have to look for a part time job with their level of funding. Of course, it also would have been better if I hadn’t spent most of my savings on the trip.

My parents would be so much more proud of me. I take no pride in making the people I love feel miserable.

I don’t know exactly what to think of myself.

I have two more weeks of pure agony loitering around, looking for a place to live and another part time job to supplement my Research Assistantship. I have plenty to do, and way too much physical energy to burn. Emotionally though, I am less well.