My past weekend has been filled with music recitals. Going to recitals as a teacher is very exciting, but also tiring. On Sunday night the big boss Ken invited all the staff out to dinner. I couldn't believe his generousity since each one of the staff is also allowed a guest. Of course, I went alone.

Tang, one of the guitar teachers asked "So what's after undergrad?"

Me: "Medschool"

Tang: "That's such a banana thing to do."

Me: "I know"

Tang: "God, that's such a banana pleasing thing to do."

At that moment I felt terribly Asian and terribly unrebelious in my career choice. I just have to remind myself that I chose my path for my own reasons and not anyone else's.

Androgynous You scored 66 masculinity and 60 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 61% on masculinity You scored higher than 47% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I miss life, actually.

I miss living.

Dad and I both had final exams yesterday, and we both had a terrible night sleep. Dad's exam was on machine parts, measurements and other sorts of things related to automobile manufacturing. I was tested on my knowledge of two -ologies. Well, I know of the two -ologies. It's the best I can do.

It was strange, sitting at the dinner table with my dad, both of us utterly exhausted yet relieved, eating, and drinking beer together. The drinking part started when I stole a mouthful from his bottle, I thought he'd be mad at me. Instead, Dad grabed a glass and encouragrd further consumption.

I honestly didn't know how he'd react at first, since the traditional Chinese sentiment is that girls don't drink. And that at social gatherings, he's always refused drinks for me. But I think I'd be pretty upset had he reacted negatively yesterday given I was suffering from post-exam depression.

It was good.

Why I'm not crying about the Immunology exam I just wrote is beyond me. Maybe I'm having a DTH reaction...

Or maybe I just don't care.

Or maybe I'm just used to bombing all my exams.

I mean, technically, my goal this semster is to survive my courses. But really, I should be setting a bar above the passing point.

On to Histology

So I made it to campus by 8:30am today and came home at 9:30pm.

I couldn't resist coming on the computer and making a blog entry. The day could've been horrible...and a part of it was. F**king acid reflux!!

Good thing I had a study session with Sara. I didn't remember my stomach pain while being royally confused by the Complement System Unit. I'm quite proud of myself for learning that unit in 45 minutes.

Then the stupid acid reflux came back. So I went to bug Sara on her radio show...and went on the air (unexpectedly, might I add). And no, unlike Sara, I do not have a sexy voice.

Perhaps I should call it a night.

I just realized.

My goal in life.

It’s not to fall in love.

It’s not to get into Med School.

It’s not to be a millionaire.

It’s not to win a Nobel Prize.

It’s not to save the world.

My goal in life is to die happy.

That’s right.

How many people die happy? How many people die with complete resolve and contentment of what they did in their life time? How many people die with no regrets and no worries?

I don’t know exactly what I want in life. But even if I will never find it, what ever it is, I hope that when I die, I will be proud of my journey.

So in order to die happy, I must have conscious awareness of myself...no vegetative state or late stage Alzheimer’s for me.

I had a lovely group dinner with the people in my Human Anatomy lab yesterday. We called ourselves “Team Anastamosis: we all connect together”. There are also Team Goodtimes, Team Better Times…etc. I love that class (I’m just bombing the theory exams like hell).

I don't get something: my group members were intimidated by me initially. Little old me?

HUH?

Just because I have the title of Co-President.
Just because I wrote the MCAT while completing a 4th year research project and taking Organic Chemsitry this summer.
Just because I’ve already applied to both Med School and Grad School.
Just because I’m appearing to be surviving a never-before attempted combo of killer science courses.

Just because I’m too good for them? Am I supposed to be snobby and ignorant just because I plan my life and got involved in campus organizations?

I don’t understand where I got this image/reputation from. I hate being stereotyped. I’ve been told that I have the “smart” look. WTF? Everyone in Team Anastamosis is so hardcore. They all read the textbook (multiple times), they live in the Anatomy lab. I mean, I think out of all of them, I have the lowest grades. If I look that smart, maybe I can fool the Interview Panel into offering me a spot in Med School.

Do people have any idea what it is like being me? I hate waking up every morning. I’m absolutely exhausted. I have to fight self-doubt constantly. I get bombarded with a million little things I have to take care of. I take, on average, four kinds of drugs everyday just to keep myself somewhat functional. My grades are no where near where they need to be. I see my peers freak out and have a nervous breakdown when they feel uncertain coming out of an exam. Somehow I get stuck with the job of comforting them when my number is much lower. I don’t even have time to worry or panic. I don’t even know where I should begin to worry...I’m so behind that I’m basically starting from Chapter 1 in very class. And no, these are not bird courses I’m taking. Three whole days of cramming will earn me a B. That shouldn’t be acceptable for someone of my calibre right? Well, that’s the best I can hope for in the time being. I’m nothing of what people imagine me to be.

Sometimes I wish people would point fingers at me and say “you suck”.