A True Elsewhere

I'm not dead, but the original purpose of this blog may be

2009-02-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

First, I am going to play hypocrite and quote this:

“BLOGGING: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.”

Borrowed from Despair.com.

I still enjoy a very bitter sense of humour once in a while. But I no longer indulge in it.

In the past, I used blogging as a means to vent my anger, to attempt to untangle my confusion, to voice my misery and dissatisfaction…or just say things I could not vocalize to the world.

The frequency and duration of blog entries that dealt with negativity have decreased. As time went on, I am consistently feeling balanced and in control. Now I use blogging to reflect on my growth, life experiences and milestones.

What are my major life milestones since I last blogged?

1. I am befriending my mother. I am one of her closest counsel and I feel honoured by the trust she placed in me
2. I picked up yoga
3. I restarted belly dancing
4. I am done with regrets of the past, and I no longer fear the future
5. I treasure the time I spend with my little brother
6. I am a better judge of when to let go, and what to hold on to with all my might
7. I floss (almost) every night
8. I sharpened my self-directed learning skills…throw something new at me, and I won’t drop the ball
9. I am keeping the gaze of someone who is capable of taking my breath away

What remains hopelessly Ching?
1. Inefficient daily routine consisting of 80% procrastination and 20% productivity. Pareto principle, I hate you!
2. Messy, messy, messy!
3. New mineral make up fetish: endlessly buying cycles!
4. Defensive, direct and harsh to the general male population. Still haven’t lost my touch in that arena.

2008-07-14T18:33:00.001-05:00

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Product of procrastination

2008-06-05T14:26:00.001-05:00

I’ve been neglecting this for so long. In fact, it’s been so long that my UofG account expired and no longer hosts the banner image I put up.

What’s new?

I am now 25. Hitting the prime of my life. I still have a great metabolism, chronic illnesses are still at bay, no radical hormones to calm.

Song of the moment: Giorni Dispari by Einaudi.

It’s one of those pieces that I am immediately drawn to, which is rare. Lots of emotion intertwined in it. I can almost imagine the process and musicians performing. Curiously, it also has the effect of creating imagery…I am envisioning white, calmness, water reflections, healing, celebration.

Even though practicing and playing music is no longer a significant part of my life, I am glad that good music can still touch my soul. The world has a very numbing effect on the senses, I find. No to mention, most of the popular music can hardly qualify as good music and does little for the essence of humanity.

I am fully recognizing the paramount importance of attitude and balance. Difficult to grasp at times. I can let myself slip so easily into a negative loop of lethargy, poor nutrition, no exercise, and little productivity. On the flip side, it’s amazing what a 15 minute jog can do for my spirits.

The age old question of what I want to do with my life still lingers. I doubt this question will ever go away. I am sometimes excited, sometimes doubtful, other times worried. I wonder how applicable societal expectations are to me. What are the consequences if I choose to not fit in the mold that was not made for me? Recognizing that I do not only belong to myself and that my choices could not be selfishly made, how much freedom do I truly possess? Is it important that I have true freedom? A person without obligations to others also would not have true relationships and bonds, in which case freedom would mean nothing.

I am sure, one day, when the key pieces of my life are in place and when the future is no longer a limitless horizon masked in mystery, I will miss today. I will miss the uncertainty. I will also miss the ability to imagine the possibilities.

I hope my heart music never dies.

The pseudo-philosophy-ing ends here.

First entry in 2008!

2008-02-09T19:44:00.000-06:00

This is long overdue according to one of the few faithful readers. However, I feel as though I don’t have much to report on.

Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps it means I am not suffering from frequent emotional tantrums and other sorts of disequilibrium that would justify literary venting.

Perhaps it also means that nothing is really going on in my life.

I guess all of the above is true.

I’ll be in school for the next 1.5 years. Life planning is taking a backseat while I focus on the present: coursework and thesis.

To my pleasant surprise, I like my current program much more than I anticipated. I appreciate the resourceful faculty and staff. I take full advantage of the office space and free printing. Coursework can be a bitch, but the material is interesting, highly relevant and maintains my motivation. Colleagues are friendly. My thesis supervisor is a robot, but a kind one.

A few things won’t change though. I am still falling behind. Partly because I have become an even better procrastinator! Sometimes my heart race and my brows furrow when the topic of medschool application comes up. I’m still healing from the rat race of undergrad. I still have the attention span of a grasshopper. Someday I’ll improve it to the equivalent of a cat.

Epiphany

2007-11-04T19:07:00.000-06:00

Life cracked open….light got in.

I have a new goal.

A new fire.

Something to aim for and work towards.

A place in the world. A seat just for me.

This is what life should be about and why I am alive.

I hope this moment of happiness, balance, contentment and clarity will last.

Sentences

2007-10-12T21:55:00.000-05:00

Editing sucks.

Everyone is applying for scholarships, except me.

There are drosophila flying around in my room and the fact that I can’t catch them pisses me off.

I am working (or at least aim to) work all weekend.

Mom has a lesion in her brain, which could mean anything from “it’s a very common and benign” to “it’s a malignant tumor”

My head hurts.

I feel as though I am back in high school with the small class size. Even though conversations flow easily and I am surrounded by people, somehow friendships have yet to happen.

I am paying too much for my cellphone. I am only calling home nowadays.

I am no longer involved in the university community. Heck, there really *isn’t* a community at all. Everyone is devoted to their own little niche. I don’t know why I cared so much in undergrad. I got nothing out of that.

I think about the past too much.

I worry about the future too much.

My appetite has increased, most likely attributed to the stressful lifestyle. I wish my metabolism could slow down because what I can carry home on a grocery run should last longer.

I input extra effort in making myself look presentable every morning. I don’t know why.

I need to find balance.

School school school

2007-09-11T16:59:00.000-05:00

Blah.

To a person who loved school since day one of her public education18 years ago (not counting the days she spend dreaming about being in school prior to that), more school should not be dreadful.

School was somehow better back in the day. That must be it.

Let’s see, when was school easy and enjoyable?

Kindergarden: Memorized many English words effortlessly then forgot them completely, also effortlessly.

Gr 1: I didn’t understand the concept of homework after the first day of class. The following day, we all got yelled at by the teacher. Apparently no one remembered what the homework was…except the class rep. Everyone understood from that day forth.

Gr 2: Hated mandatory midday naps. That’s right. Communists make kids sleep so adults can sleep. I was running the best self-recharging Energizer battery known as youth. God, lying awake for two hours was awful!

Gr 3: Mom left for Canada. Had my appendix removed and that made me miss all my finals. I was honestly disappointed at that. What a fool I was.

Gr. 4: I got very upset and even teased because of a 93% on the Math final exam. The class average was 100%.

Gr. 5: Wow Canada! Where teachers do not consistently public humiliate you if you don’t have the answer.

Gr. 6: I didn’t get English jokes. ESL is too slow. Let’s do Math all day because I am way superior.

Gr. 7: French? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 8: Fit in? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 9: I swear this year did not happen. I have no recollection.

Gr. 10: I can’t remember this year either.

Gr. 11: Chemistry? Welcome to hell.

Gr. 12: University next next year eh?

OAC: University *is* next year. I am going to be an Engineer, no wait…Accountant…no wait...Scientist (of somesort?)

Undergrad yr 1: Made smart friends

Undergrad yr 2: Smart friends are not in my major, how am I supposed to pass my classes?

Undergrad yr 3: Guelph is getting to me. What’s Australia like?

Undergrad yr 4: Why am I still in undergrad? Life sucks and I want out. Complete burn out.

(I miss school)

Gradschool: God I am so average. I am not going to get any scholarships anyways, why is my department making me apply?

I will never own one of those (sorry Mom)

2007-08-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

I just published a rather rosy note about diamonds on Facebook.

I am actually very bitter about these molecules of carbon. But given that a handful of people are engaged on Facebook I tried very hard not to dampen their spirits in any way. I don’t like being the party pooper and act *not* shocked and envious and in awe of the ring on their fingers. There is nothing wrong with the tradition of rings and the emotions are real and priceless. I have no right to exert my personal opinion onto other people and mess with good things like that.

Diamonds in their elemental states perhaps, is free from all faults (except its high refraction index…damn it, why does it have to trap light in multiple internal reflections and be all sparkly?)

I’ve always had a problem with diamonds and how it is valued in our society. Okay, there are plenty of wrongs with societal values. But diamonds are the extreme.

In Economic theory, monopolistic market structure is possible. However, a monopoly is impossible to maintain for the long run in real life circumstances. But lone and behold, there is one monopoly in this world—cited by *every* Economic textbook—De Beers.

The price of this monopoly is high but the reward is must too good to pass up. De Beers and associated jewelers have carefully integrated their product into our lifecycle. Diamonds and its holy stature of beauty, love and wealth is etched in every one of us. Terrible isn’t it?

What people pay for is not true value of a jewel, but a perceived sense of social acceptance and confirmation of self-worth. Lines like “but she is worth it right” is sheer brilliance in exterminating any shred of further logical reasoning and blackens all common sense. Consumer psychology has it that the cost must be maintained high so we perceive the item as special…because really, we want to pay as much as we possibly can to flaunt our buying power (same reasoning for designer labels).

The really sad part is that if it is not diamonds, something else will take its holy place as *the* wanted item. As social creatures, we bough to it.

And I am tired of hearing “I want one because it’s so pretty and shiny!” Well, yes, human beings are attracted to light and shiny things. Same with cats, fish, bugs…you get the idea. Anyone remember Merlin smiling at the bait of the angler fish in Finding Nemo? He said he felt happy and the entire audience laughed about it. We ain’t so superior. The shiny excuse is also on par with men’s exclamation of their innate attraction to boobs and ass. They can’t get away with that so easily. Girls should stop lowering themselves to that level too.

A diamond does not last forever. Everything in this world decays. A diamond will last a heck of a lot longer than any one of us though.

Reality Check People!

2007-08-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of flipping through Facebook and finding every other person going to teacher's college.

Yes I admit that there is nothing more noble than the profession of teaching, and that perhaps it is the passion of some. From personal experience I would wholeheartedly agree that the feeling of gratitude from teaching is nothing but overwhelmingly and wholesomely positive.

But truly, it cannot be the passion of every other person on Facebook.

Please, people, reality check.

Please, people, take basic Economics.

Please, people, it's called supply and demand.

Please, people, I know teacher's college is THE back-up plan of all would-be degrees and professions.

Please, people, I know a teacher is a traditional career choice parents can actually comprehend.

We Canadians just ain't got enough babies to go around for you to teach.

Not to mention, countries like Australia and the US are pouring in excess number of teachers every year. Our government isn't controlling that. And they are not going to.

So...as a solution, I propose that everyone who is going to become a teacher take on the hobby of encouraging everyone they know who still has reproductive capacity to start getting busy quick. That is the only way they can save themselves from being chronically on the verge of being unemployed, a substitute teacher forever, teaching what they hate (com'on, how many people truly love math), or teaching in the middle of no where.

On a side note: we got a surplus of old people. Com'on, we love the other end of the age spectrum too don't we?

waiting for life to happen

2007-07-16T20:25:00.001-05:00

I think I wrote about this before. Of course. Things haven’t changed.

I feel apathetic. It feels like not enough is happening in my life. I am waiting. Still waiting. Then I turn around, realize that I am 24, and life is going by me.

Does that make any sense?

Ah yes, the intro to Adaptation. I love that movie.

The Unfairness

2007-07-09T07:41:00.000-05:00

Saw the Transformers movie yesterday. It really wasn’t a kids movie as I had hoped, since my 10 year old brother was sitting beside me.

I think (and I hope) the movie is his first exposure to the word “masturbation” and how awkward and funny of a topic it can be. I also hope that he will look the word up in a dictionary and not Google it.

What I didn’t appreciate, is an unfairness of the sexes the movie brought up. Parents find girl in guy’s room, mom all flowering and smiles and everything is okay. If the parents had a daughter and found a boy in her room…I swear all hell will break loose.

Parents of sons are happy if their son gets a girl. Parents of daughters worry if their daughter dates a boy. I know this is a very broad generalization, but I think I’ve got the right statistic.

In this way then, aren’t boys “encouraged” to attach themselves with a significant other or just be “the ladies’ man” and girls “prohibited” from the equivalent?

Does the cause go back to our biological roles? Is it because girls can be taken advantage of sexually so much more easily? Female is the naturally physically weaker sex. Girls can get pregnant, what do boys have to loose? Oh right, they might get their heart broken. Do parents see the potential emotional implications as worrisome as the potential physical/circumstantial implications with girls? The girl who ends up with an untimely pregnancy always carries more blame and burden than the male involved (unless he is famous). This is logical, given that the physical evidence of the pregnancy is visible and incredibly difficult to hide, or deny. A guy can carry on with all functions of his life as if nothing had happened if he so wish. Even if the pregnancy is to be terminated via an abortion, the unfortunate unfairness still remains. The girl is forced to come to terms with the fact that she is pregnant with all the questions, counseling, testing, anticipation for the designated day and the operation, then the recovery. We are starting to hear stories of women speaking out of how the abortion affects their life so deeply years after the event. Do we EVER hear a guy speak of such grief? No, not now, not ever; such grief is non-existent for them.

So is this the answer? Girls have a lot more to loose than boys? Is the consequence of untimely pregnancy and associated grief the basis for all the parental anxiety towards their daughters?

thoughts to be deleted later

2007-06-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

Things need to be done.

Things need to be done differently.

But that’s in the past.

I must move on.

I have this ache and heaviness in my chest. I think the impact of the break up is finally taking its course.

A part of me resents him. But another part of me resents myself more. I resent not being honest with myself, with my emotions, my fear of hurting him…all this summits to hurting him more at the end.

What is more, I have also permanently damaged my relationship with my mother.

So at the end of the day, I lost one relationship and damaged the existing one I had. What is there to be gained? I feel terrible.

This was going to be a long entry. But I think I'll end it here and clear my head.

back in my cage

2007-06-19T21:13:00.001-05:00

I do have to apologize for the fact the first entry after a long gap in cyberspace is not one full of excitement and tall tales. I have no intention of feeling any negative emotions right now, but it can’t be helped—I am back home again. Back to the same disharmony, the same arguments about finances, the usual lack of communication; back to face my Mother.

Okay, I missed my laptop badly. And my bro has been sticking to me like rice cake. My tummy adores the high dosage of soy and rice.

It is not all bad.

Of course, it would have been better had I gotten into UofT. I wouldn’t have to look for a part time job with their level of funding. Of course, it also would have been better if I hadn’t spent most of my savings on the trip.

My parents would be so much more proud of me. I take no pride in making the people I love feel miserable.

I don’t know exactly what to think of myself.

I have two more weeks of pure agony loitering around, looking for a place to live and another part time job to supplement my Research Assistantship. I have plenty to do, and way too much physical energy to burn. Emotionally though, I am less well.

10 days in

2007-05-15T16:15:00.000-05:00

I so could use a decent bed at this point. The one in our room makes a nice parabola when one lies on it. I don't think mattresses should do that.

I think my feet has memory, for the feeling of soreness returns day after day. Granted, 5-8 hours of walking is plenty, but somehow I feel as though I would be adapted to it by now.

I would start recalling every detail from the beginning of our trip, but I honestly think I'll be too tired to finish.

So highlights:

1. The National Gallery in London, England. I love this gallery and its priceless collections.

2. Being hosted by Dalia and Daniel on our tour of Oxford and the English countryside. It's so nice to finally be greeted by friends and be taken care of instead of figuring everything out from scratch.

3. Wonderful weather. During our 4.5 day stay in London, we were never rained on.

4. Amazing birthday celebration in Rome. We toured the coloseum, roman forums, had gelati, finished off with a gormet pizza dinner with wine.

5. Sistine Chapel.

6. Rome in general. We had a wonderful time exploring the city on foot.

7. Cheap cheap booze! A bottle of wine costs 2.00 EU, and a 750 ml beer cost 0.85EU from the supermarket.

The bad:

1. Hosteling it all the way. The beds and sometimes bunk mates can be improved.

2. Getting lost. And getting pissed off at eachother because of it.

3. Sore feet and back

4. Miscalculation leading to missed flight. That's right! We spent a night in an airport to catch a 6am flight the next day. What a nigtmare. Needless to say, I was exhausted on the plane. In fact, I was so tired I passed out from take off until landing on non-reclinable seats. Ryanair sure knows now to cheap it.

Now here's what's funny: I was going to upload some pictures, but then I accidentally kicked the computer, made it restart, then realized that I could not sign in as the adminstrater, and lost access to the photos I uploaded to the hard drive. But anyways, this is my blog entry...minus the nice visuals. Sorry.

Oxford

2007-05-05T19:41:00.000-05:00

Damn this place is so nice!

Oxford University is composed of 36 separate colleges, most of which are pretty much self sustained on alumni support. The campus itself is gorgeous, complete with a fine collection of over 50 pubs.

Things I learned today:

1. Undergrad at Oxford consist of three, eight week terms. The rest of the year is not spent in school. Now, given the condensed semester timeline, the workload also triples/quadruples in proportion.

2. The undergrad tutor ratio is 1:1. Wow. And no, we are not talking about a private tutor hired off campus...every undergrad student is assigned one.

3. Students dress up in suit, gown, and cap to their exams (equivalent of midterms and finals). For the first exam, the student wears a white carnation, second exam, pink, last exam, red. It is also bad luck to purchase your own exam carnation, so someone must buy it for you. It is not uncustome to have complete strangers give you wholehearted good luck wishes if a red carnation is spotted.

4. After the final exam is completed, it is custome to be greeted by friends with balloons, champaign, confettee, eggs, hairspray, (you name it) at the door. After being plastered with all of the above, everyone then heads to the pub to celebrate further. Of course, the gown and suit would be ruined by this point...but it's well worth it. Besides, if one is rich enough to attend Oxford, who cares about a suit?

5. Only professors are allowed to walk on the lawn of the Falculty Trad. It is a huge prestigous previlege. Those who are not faculty would be punished for doing so!

6. The highest possible achievable mark is about 74%. That's First Honours! Oh, and one's grades are posted on building walls, available for all to see!

7. A formal ball ticket costs 200 GBP, that's a just under $500.00 Canadian. (There were three balls happening at the same night when I visited). It is interesting to see people in suits, bowties, and dresses line up for fries with cheese and the like at fast food charts, which are readily available on every block.

8. Rowing is the competitive sport (against Cambridge, obviously) . Apparently a Canadian Olympic gold medalist was accepted into grad studies and subsequently became the captain of the rowing team.

9. The academic campus bit of Oxford is called "The Gown", the rest is "The Town". Those from the The Gown sure party hard on The Town.

10. Oxford makes BMWs.

Ugh...

2007-04-07T17:04:00.000-05:00

I just pumped my system full of caffeine with the aim of improved productivity. Well, not quite. The adrenaline rush induced is now in put into creating this particular venting entry.

Kyle, consider your request granted…here’s a new blog entry…yeah!?

The graduate school application process has been nothing but frustrating, same with medical school preparation. It’s during times like these, when I am bending myself backwards trying to get somewhere in science and academia that I want to step back and ask myself “why”.

Why am I even bothering with the academic crap if I am seemingly much more successful in the job market? Many people find it astonishing that I am working in a field related to my undergraduate studies. Frankly, my work experiences are far superior compared to my academic records.

Science people don’t seem to care that I am a well-rounded person. They would rather judge me on my A B and Cs on my transcript as an accurate indicator of what I am capable of in real life. It’s extremely effective at draining self-confidence and any trace of hope that I am worth something.

At times I have the urge to just throw in the towel screaming “screw you science” and turn right around and work in business/sales instead. Looking back to my job related experience has made me realize that I have a much better competitive advantage in that field. Sometimes I wish I didn’t turn down the job offer from Sonometrics Corp. last summer…wouldn’t life be grand if I chose to haggle all types of labs for equipment sales and prance around in a hot suit at international science trade shows? I’d look better in a hot suit than in scrubs or a lab coat.

So the question remains, am I really fighting against the current? Should I be using my natural talents instead of investing massive amounts of energy into something I am natural not good at?

I do not define myself by my mistakes

2007-03-08T22:04:00.000-06:00

I am trying not to, anyways.

If I do, I will turn out exactly like my mother.

On the phone, she asked me if I applied to Guelph. Why would I apply to Guelph? Why would I actively manifest the worst case scenario for myself? A single “NO” does not set the trend for the rest of the schools I applied to. Is having a back-up of back-up-back-up-back-up school not safe enough? Way to have faith in me, Mom.

In all sincerity, I appreciate the point she is trying to raise: what I am trying to pursue academically is not working and an alternate strategy may be needed. She is trying to convince me that sometimes things in life don’t work out and to just suck it up. Understood. But I do not want to give up prematurely, not yet. I am willing to gamble that another school somewhere will find something about me they would like to see more of.

I know I made a big mistake in undergrad which resulted in less than satisfactory academic standings. Many doors shut in my face. But those will not remain closed to me forever, not if I keep working on it. I am not doomed. I am not second-rate. I don’t go on living my past mistakes.

I'll rant about how my mother keeps on living her mistakes later.

Don't wanna grow up just yet

2007-03-07T20:21:00.000-06:00

Facts of adult life:

1. Taxes

2. Mortgages

3. Debt

4. Insurance

I am starting to hate #4. Reason: I filed a claim for $200.00 and got a cheque back for $20.00 when the reimbursement rate is 100%. Apparently they forgot a zero. Why couldn't they error in the other direction and give me a cheque of $2000.00?

Bearing the weight (and the wait)

2007-03-01T19:27:00.000-06:00

Facebook has been a wonderful tool of procrastination. However, through it, I also found out that a whole wack of my peers have applied to Medicine and received interviews. And the fact that my mother called to say that one guy in my program has gotten 10(!!!) interview just tops it all off. The nagging sensation that people younger than me are getting ahead of me in life is getting difficult to ignore. People are getting interviews to medschool; meanwhile, I am getting rejection letters from Graduate schools.

*deep breath*

Writing things down usually helps.

I am reminding myself, that I am not ready to devote myself to a career such as Medicine just yet.

I have to remind myself that last year, I was completely burnt out, both mentally and physically, and that taking a year off is necessary.

I have to remind myself, that I am not standing still, but making slow progress towards that ultimate goal.

I have to remind myself, that what works for other people may not work for me and to trust my own intuitions.

I have to remind myself to not regret the past, but to accept everything as valuable learning lessons.

I have to remind myself to believe. And I do.

I miss school

2007-02-27T07:32:00.000-06:00

As I was having brekky this morning, I flipped through some of the Marketing papers Derek is grading (he is TAing advanced Marketing @ Mac).

The SWOT Analysis brought back a wave of nostalgia. Somehow I miss school, as wrong as it seems. Who wouldn’t prefer money, no homework and free time over essays, exams and group projects? I think this just exemplifies my tragic flaw of not being able to ever make life easy for myself.

Insomnia

2007-02-09T09:22:00.000-06:00

Insomnia happens on occasion to everyone. Not a big deal. But I was kept awake by generalized irrational fear, which is very strange and somewhat troublesome for someone like me.

By nature, I am a fiercely independent person. I ran away from home repeatedly when I was two. I almost never slept in my parents’ bed for comfort and safety reasons. I had no trouble letting go for the first day of school, got there and back on my own. No fear of darkness, thunder, lightening, heights, random unknown forests and bushes. Spiders and cockroaches still bother me though.

Perhaps the string of events earlier on in the night had something to do with it. Grey’s Anatomy left me in a somewhat shaken state with all the emotional helplessness. Before my sympathetic nervous system got a rest, the fire alarm went off in the building. False alarm, but it certainly perpetuated feelings of uncertainty. When I came back my ears were ringing from the alarm which made the silence almost unbearable. All of a sudden I was hit with the horrible awareness that I am alone. I managed to distract myself nicely for about an hour. But as I was about to go to bed, the unsettling feeling came back, at which point I was desperately wishing that I wasn’t alone and that my roommate would come home soon. And almost miraculously right then I heard the sound of him coming through the door. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem as I had hoped. I kept on thinking that something bad is going to happen, or something horrible is going to reveal itself around the corner. Lying in my bed, I could feel my heart pound in my chest. My head swamp with strange imagery…the baby-eating monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, someone really horribly burned and screaming in pain. I couldn’t stand having my sleep mask on or have my blanket over my face because the darkness was frightening. Derek made not a sound in the next room. I wish that he would snore so I know someone alive is close by. I had half a mind to go and wake him up and ask if I could sleep in his room. I wanted to call Chase to calm myself down but I stopped myself—my fears are completely illogical and psychological.

It was a long night.

Strangely enough, I had no nightmares. The morning was most welcome.

hateful love

2007-01-31T18:28:00.001-06:00

I love my little brother, most admittedly because I have to…but sometimes, because I want to.

He impatiently waited for me to come home this weekend, and cried last weekend because I didn’t.During the trip back to China, he got up at 6am (stupid time zone difference) to make me tea. After two hours, that cup got cold and he then made me another cup.

Two days ago my brain was throbbing with the pain of having to re-learn Organic Chemistry again by just one look at the giant textbook. This little guy, spurred on by nothing more than pure curiosity, flipped through the first chapter and appeared to have a sound grasp of the representation of electron cloud distribution and the difference between alkane, alkene, and alkynes (single, double and triple bonds). I couldn’t help but marvel at the ease and enthusiasm he displayed. At the same time, it made me want to go cry in a corner because a nine year old gets Organic Chemistry better than I do. I bet he wouldn’t have trouble getting funding for graduate school.

Then again, he is also the one who always tore open my mail, despite being told not to do so. The most recent incident was quite severe, as the letter he opened is a confidential reference letter from my undergraduate thesis advisor to graduate studies at U of Ottawa. Oops. And grrRrrRrrrr.

Ching = hopeless

2007-01-22T20:18:00.000-06:00

Last time I put all my eggs in one basket. This time I spread those in so many baskets that I am having a horrible time keeping track of which baskets I put 'em in. Is there such a thing as "overlearning from your mistakes"?

Getting intense

2007-01-21T18:27:00.000-06:00

This past Wednesday I actually called in “sick”, ran down to London to meet a prof regarding grad opportunities. The meeting definitely was fruitful. This guy holds a MD and PhD, and has an exceptional track record of research publications. Oh and, he is not even close to 40! He basically told me that I will get into the program for sure, and that if he were to take me on, full funding is provided for the first year. What I didn’t expect, is him telling me that the program at McMaster is far superior to that at Western, and that I should just stay in Hamilton instead. What’s more, I got this grand counseling session from his grad student Rob regarding gradschool, medschool and life in general (or how medicine can ruin one’s life). Rob is your typical Asian bookie semi-shy doctor: a complete gentleman who offered to carry my stuff repeatedly (I honestly had little to carry...or maybe I was just appeared incapable and clumsy?) and didn’t make eye contact half the time. The stacks of x24 Cola cases, instant noodles and Chinese snacks were also quite indicative of his work ethic.

I finally, officially, registered for the MCAT but a little late it seems. All the Hamilton test centre seats have been taken. Boo. I am going to Toronto for the big day. I guess I could wait for last minute seat availabilities (people do chicken out), but at the same time, I don’t want to lose the Toronto reservation. A bus ride won’t kill me.

Applications for Western, Ottawa and Dalhousie have yet to be sent in…paperwork is getting on my nerves. Despite all my bitching, complaining, and research, I am still biting the deadline on the ass and sending everything via 24 hour courier. All I need is someone to say yes.

Work was somewhat hellish this past week. I realized that I am very very behind in fulfilling my boss's deadline expectations (I hate feeling incompetent) and the days are going to be quite busy. On top of that, my replacement, Shannon, seems to be a less-than-desired candidate for the job. I have a feeling that I will be wishing for a clone in the near future.

as the deadline looms

2007-01-11T11:08:00.000-06:00

I am so totally joining the "grad application is a giant pain in the behind" club.

Jack, I feel for you.

Some universities have easy-to-navigate websites that's provide up-to-date information (not last year's dates) and description of their faculty members' research interests including publications. These are rare. Way to go Mac, UofT and Dalhousie.

Western is definitely not on that list!

Aside from making the applicant click in circles through a maze of links, Western's general School of Graduate Study page links to the wrong department website all together. I found the right department website but it doesn't really do much in terms of helping the applicant choose their potential thesis advisors. No description of research interests, no list of publications and no teaching/other activities provided...just an email address. Ugh! Now I have to friggin' PubMed every single faculty to weed out the bad ones. This literately triples the time commitment towards this application. What if there is a potential investor looking to do a collaborative research project? The poorly constructed and uninformative website would turn me off in about 10 second flat in terms of how this department/institution measures up.

There is a reason why I didn't even bother with Western for undergrad, and the only reason I am applying right now is to "spread my eggs" a bit more. Okay, maybe a nudge from a friend in the same program who gave a good review.

If I get accepted at Western...that acceptance better be coupled with a briefcase of cash. If I get rejected, it won't hurt a bit.

any aspiring writers out there?

2007-01-08T08:50:00.000-06:00

I think there should be a book teaching Asian children how to communicate to their parents (effectively that is!). Given the number of Asian people on this planet, it’s a guaranteed global best seller.

And it should include topics such as:
1. “I am giving 110% in school! Not everyone can be in the 99th percentile grade wise and a few percent less doesn’t mean that I am doomed to be a failure in life”
2. “Life is more than just school”
3. “If first you don’t succeed, trying again does not equate failure. Perseverance does not mean that I am delusional in thinking I can make it, it means I am driven to reach my goals.”
4. “The age of arranged marriages is over. He/she is good enough for me.”
5. “Life is more than just prestige, money and honour (whatever that means these days)”
6. “Living at home while pursuing post-secondary education is financially logical but makes one insane”
7. “Stop comparing me to other Chinese children or what life was when you were young. A few positive reinforcement techniques can go a long way, really!”
8. “Learn to be proud of me just the way I am”
10. “I love you but I cannot be who you envision me to be, for I seek happiness in life”

Really, there should be. I’d buy a copy.

excuse me while I flip out

2007-01-04T10:31:00.000-06:00

Just found out that the MCAT exam is now completely computerized and the number of test dates increased from twice a year to 22 times a year.

Okay, so much for my grand April exam plan.

New things to consider:

1. Glitches with the computer system. Heaven forbid I’ll get a malfunctioning computer…then again, those scantron sheet readers aren’t 100% accurate either.

2. Grading. With the test takers spread out over more test dates, how will that affect standardization of the scores? Generally, the greater the test population the more accurate the standardization to a normal bell curve (regression to the mean, yeah stats).

3. The test time is now reduced to 4.5 hours. Should I pick the 8am test start time or the 12 pm one? Should I write it on April 7, 12, or 16?

4. This format is new and the amount of computerized preparation material available now is limited. Should I wait until the prep companies revamp their test material to make preparing for this exam more effective (supposedly)?

Wow considerations....

Christmas Holiday 2006

2006-12-30T21:19:00.000-06:00

Apparently time flies when spent with family.

The highlight of my holiday @ home is definitely the trip down to Niagara Falls. First I was under the impression that this was going to be a simple single family affair and me calling the shots. Not so. Three other Chinese families dragged along (or maybe they dragged us along…whichever). The trip started with the usual delay caused by my mother, who could never decide on what she should wear (or what to bring to wear). My father was thoroughly annoyed. This is the way all family trip start; I guess some things just don’t change. On the way there, our car got separated from the pack and we basically found our way to Days Inn on our own and ahead of everyone else. Of course, the “leader” of the pack never did confirm the check-in time and we were two hours early. After much squabbling, pursuit of lunch was declared and Denny’s decided upon. Holy price mark up! I never knew Denny’s was so expensive. As the day went on, my judgment adjusted accordingly…a girl has got to eat, expensive bloated prices or not. On our way to the new indoor water park, the pack once again got separated. Several expensive cell phone calls were made to relocate everyone. One family even went to the wrong hotel all together! And so the same rhythm of events repeated: squabbling, unclear debriefing of plan, expensive cell phone calls, detours…One viable excuse here is that we are Chinese and we are inexperienced in vacations/trips.

The only good part (and in essence the important part) is that my brother had a blast.

The most important lesson I learned is to read the instructions on midway game displays. I was lured by the flashy and tempting winning numbers…til I realized that I have two tokens left and poor returns for my investments.

So that was Niagara Falls.

Yes I know what you are thinking, a lousy trip was the highlight of time with family?

Welcome to my world.

The Truth

2006-12-12T19:05:00.000-06:00

Hey looksy here: Santa DOES exist and he even has a blog

www.asksanta.ca

I am going to ask him how the Ching clone is coming along. teehee.

Major life changes ahead

2006-12-07T18:45:00.000-06:00

1. I am moving.
2. I am quiting my job/working part time.
3. I am going to be living in a library.
4. I am going to be back in usual Ching overloaded stress mode (generally this translates to more frequent blog posts for procrastination purposes)
5. I am going to be more caffeine dependent.
6. I might get my acid reflux back.
7. I am going to have o free time
8. I am going to divorce tv.

All this for the purpose of acing the MCAT.

I am crazy.

Post # 201

2006-12-05T10:08:00.000-06:00

I was up at 6am yesterday and didn’t come home til 10:30pm. When I got home, my boots were wet, my socks were damp and my poor toes stung with pain from the cold. The wait for the bus was long.

Day end summary:

Number of hours spent on the road: 5 (I completely passed out on the GO bus, at least I didn't miss my stop)

Number of hours spent working: 11.5 (7.5 paid and 4 volunteer data crunching)

It was certainly a tiring day, but also a fulfilling one. Most importantly, it was coffee and tea free.
I think I am definitely shaping up for the MCAT mental marathon.

all this from a simple coffee date

2006-11-22T10:32:00.000-06:00

Finally got around to meeting up with Tiff on Sunday. Apparently we are both somewhat lacking in organization/communication skills. She didn’t even think this coffee date was finalized and we haven’t even settled on a place to meet, while I had in my head that it was finalized for 10am @ the Second Cup across from the OVC. So there I was, at 10:15am, dashing into the coffee shop, checked out every occupant, noted that no Tiffany was present, and left. Five minutes later, I called her and apparently woke her up as she was still in bed. Oye. Visiting her was nice. I did my usual Ching thing of lying on her soft bed (on top of the same cotton candy pink fleece blanket) while we talked about everything student/life related. Thereafter, we hit Timmy’s for actual coffee. Looking at her ridiculously full Vet school schedule, listening to her bitch about exams and being reminded of the pink and blue blobs in the Histology textbook just made me realize how different my current life is from hers. Had I gotten into gradschool or medschool, that’s what life would be. Knowing that she is already there, pursuing her career of choice brought on a wave of jealousy. At the same time, I am hit with the reality that professional proficiency can only be achieved through years of diligence, mental stamina, personal sacrifices and dedication in schooling. I will be put through hell, that is certain, but there is no guarantee that I reach my own personal heaven.

It’s mind-boggling why people like Tiffany and I choose stress and pain when we can easily wade through life with less demanding jobs and more free time for enjoyment. Why can’t I be like Bob, the hotdog vendor on campus. He is the happiest person, wearing his cowboy hat, selling hotdogs to students with his charming accent and bright smile. Even when business is not booming, he just sits outside, plays his guitar and nods at passing traffic. I remember on one occasion, Chris and I stopped to marvel at him when we were both doing the MCAT exam prep, asking ourselves what the hell we are fighting for. I am stuck in the mindset that more is better and that the higher I reach the happier I will be. I am stuck in the mindset that the more I possess, the more I will be able to enjoy life. A portion of this drive to gain is without a doubt product of societal conditioning. Meanwhile, I am trying to convince myself that it is purely my own desire. How do I know? Would I even admit it when I recognize it? Obviously, I don’t. As the years go on, the answer of “I don’t know” to “what do you want” is no longer satisfactory. As children, we are not supposed to know. As adults, somehow we are expected to know all (what’s what school is for right? Getting answers). A small part of me admits that the pursuit of medicine gives the impression of control and maturity to others. Oh, Ching is going to be doctor; that means she will succeed in life; that means she is doing okay. A small part of me admits that when I tell my career of choice to others, they will nod in acceptance and I will derive a sense of stability and (dare I say) superiority. A bigger part of me knows that I am really, no better off in many aspects compared to everyone else. I buckle in times of distress; I constantly doubt my choices and the actions I take; I error as easily as the next human being. It is my sincere wish that I do not develop a superiority complex and alienate myself from others.

So, to those of you who are reading this entry, you have my written and direct consent to slap me silly (and hopefully back into reality) if I ever develop a snobby attitude/superiority complex.

I got my Happy Feet on

2006-11-20T09:45:00.000-06:00

It’s Monday morning. I am at work. Sans boss. Not too bad. Supposedly I am to sort out my task list by report due dates. I miss the days when my boss did that for me. Stupid raise (who would have guessed that translates to more responsibilities?).

In addition to the normal Monday grind, I have to sort out my graduate application mess. The Registrar’s Office at U of Guelph is not sorry they messed up my transcripts, instead, they asked for more money for additional copies. I could rant more about this but it’s not worth my breath. I am just going to leaving work early, making a mad dash to McMaster campus via bus, navigate the Health Science maze to hand deliver copies of my transcripts (toped off with the most sincere apologies possible, of course).

Monday isn’t fun.

So I am going to reflect back on my weekend.

Anyone seen Happy Feet? Please do make time to kidnap a five year old, bribe him/her with lots of candy so you can look normal going into a theatre full of kids. Trust me, two hours of wondrous music, cute and fuzzy creatures (shaking their wiggly furry bumbums), and eye-popping special effects is well worth efforts. Of course, you could always just go sans children and make the “I am a big kid statement”, like I did. Or better yet, drag a Y chromosome into it along with you, like I did. The sad part is, I was so into the movie that I was flipping out over the really exciting scenes while the five year olds were sitting rather calmly. I will grow up eventually.
What I really loved about this movie is that the story is told through a little penguin’s perspective. Seagulls, seals, and humans have never looked so frightening.

Okay, now I am all happy and peppy and stuff...picturing furry little bumbums. Not a bad feeling on a Monday.

okay Murphy, you win

2006-11-15T21:04:00.000-06:00

A few entries ago I mentioned something about wanting stress back in my life and how I probably shouldn’t have said that.

Now I know that statement is a mistake. I know I shouldn’t have said that.

Stress is back.

This time with application issues to graduate studies at McMaster. They didn’t get any transcripts from me, even though I told Registrarial Services to pass on my lousy grades for their review well advanced of the application deadline and even got a receipt in the mail stating the document has been sent. The copy I ordered for myself didn’t show up at my door either. Hm…

What's even worse, they want a copy of my transcript from University of Sydney. I was really hoping they would let that one slide because those numbers won’t add any points to my application.

So now, I have made a fabulous first impression to the admissions committee with a wonderful display of disorganization. Way to start off on the wrong foot. Maybe I should just scratch McMaster off my list and keep my fingers crossed for the other schools. Or maybe, I should just admit that I am not good enough for the schools I want to get into and go loiter at the Biomedical Science department at Guelph. I am meeting a professor this Friday at University of Waterloo doing Biomedical Ocular Research, given the current state of affairs, my interest level for that school just jumped three notches.

This day was great up until three hours ago.

Graduate school application is starting to feel like a reoccurring nightmare…

what would you like to know?

2006-11-13T23:09:00.000-06:00

I got a complaint for infrequent posting on this blog.

Well, life is getting in the way of reporting on life.

1. Just tossed another application for grad studies @ U of T in the mail *fingers and toes crossed*

2. I got a raise.

3. I am going to start teaching my boss's kids music. One of them just turned three...god help me!

4. I am starting to hate public transport in general. Last Friday I was so absorbed in the book titled Ishmael that I missed my bus stop and had to back track...yes I was late to work. (wonder how the hell I got the raise eh?)

5. Mint fudge oreo cookie is my new indulgence, perhaps on a chronic basis. Ching's version of this particular dessert is trans fat free.

Yes I am actually complaining about this...

2006-10-31T22:20:00.000-06:00

I need a planner.

I don't miss the mini panick attack that accompany each to-do list, but I do miss the feeling of satisfaction when I cross an item off. It's not that I don't have enough to do...wait, scratch that. Compared to the usual Ching load, the current state of affairs weights about 0.05 carat.

I am forgetting to do things. Silly things, like taking out the garbage or laundry or groceries and paying my rent. You'd think that if I had more time to do things, that they would get done. Not true. This is what I talking about: I am at such a relaxed and unChing state that I have chronic procrastination syndrome. Life is much more predictable these days. I don't have "hell week of midterms" or "group seminar in 2 days and we don't even have an outline" or "nasty paper before Ranch night" or "3 finals in 24 hrs and no sleep 72 hours prior" to mark the progress of time. If I weren't booking appointments for my boss and turning on the tv, I probably would loose track of time all together. Ironically, I am not getting more sleep, eating properly, gettin my exercise, or more weight (this last one being the most surprising).

The worst part of the work-fulltime-and-nothing-else lifestyle is that academic endeavors, ie: gradschool applications, just quatruple in difficulty and misery.

All in all, I feel like I am in a slump. I don't know why I want my stress and my acid reflex back but I do. I am sure I will live to regret bitching about the current state of my life. You know what they say about women ---"they will bitch about everything. And when life is perfect, they will bitch about the fact that they have nothing to bitch about"

oh sweet music how I miss thou

2006-10-26T20:36:00.000-05:00

My fingers have never been so dull and underused! Oh, just look at these long finger nails, perfect indication of an underpracticed pianist.

This rant was triggered by a visit to The Octive Music's website...I used to teach there. *sob sob*

They still had my music bio up!

http://www.theoctavemc.com/m/content/article.php?content_id=24

it says:
*****************************************************************************
Ching started flute and piano at the age of 13. After six weeks of piano lessons with Nancy Chung at Music Music, she was playing Grade 2 Royal Conservatory Repertoire and within a year advanced to Grade 5. Following, Ching studied at the Piano Studio of Mrs. Florence White and received awardsfor performance excellence in the 1999 and 2000 Kiwanis Music Festival of Guelph.

She completed Grade 8 Examination in Piano and Grade 2 Examination in Music Rudiments achieving First Class Honours and First Class Honours with Distinction standings, respectively. Concurrent with her private piano studies, Ching pursued flute throughout school and has performed with the University of Guelph Concert Winds as a soloist, in trios and quartets. She recently graduated from University of Guelph with a honours Bachelors degree Majoring in Bio-Medical Science and Minoring in Business Administrations.

Ching accommodates her teaching style to the goals and needs of her students. Ultimately, she aims to make learning instrumental music an enjoyable and rewarding experience for all. Ching currently teaches flute and piano at the Octave Music Centre Inc.
****************************************************************************

I guess that's one thing I am looking forward to when going home to visit my family...enjoying my beautiful piano.

New

2006-10-15T19:21:00.000-05:00

So I decided to give the template a little shake. I created a collection of banners for this blog so it's definitely nice to rotate the visuals.

The banner features one of James's photographs. It's at least two years old. Been a while since I had long hair.

Now, if you are looking for a deeper/more meaningful justification for this visual change (asides from procrastination) I guess it would be that I am going through a real trial and error time and that I am exposing myself to new things and concepts while getting more comfortable in my own skin. Wow, where did that line just come from?

videogame music is not an oxymoron

2006-10-01T11:33:00.000-05:00

I went to TO for the Play! concert yesterday.

This is the program

1. Play! A Video Game Symphony- Fanfare by Nobuo Uematsu
2. Final Fantasy VIII - Liberi Fatali by Nobuo Uematsu
3. Super Mario Bros -Suite by Koji Kondo
4. Shenmue and Shenmue II - Sedge Tree by Takenobu Mitsuyoshi
5. Battlefield 1942 and Battle Field 2 - Suite by (I am not typing all these out)
6. Final Fantasy VII -Aerith's Theme by Nobuo Uematsu
7. Sonic the Hedgehog - Suite by Masato Nakamura
8. Metal Gear SOlid - Main THeme by Tappy Iwase and Kazuki Muraoka
9. Kingdom Hearts - Suite by Yoko Shimomura and Hikaru Utada

Intermission

Special treat: Takenobu Mitsuyoshi belting out a piano solo
Special treat 2: Castlevania

10. The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind -Suite by Jeremy Soule
11. Final Fantasy Series- Swing de Chocobo by Nobuo Uematsu
12. Chrono Tigger and Chrono Cross -Suite by Tasunori Mitsuda
13. World of Warcraft (aka digital crack cocaine) -Suite by Jason Hayes
14. Silent Hill 2 - Theme of Laura by Akira Yamaoka
15. Halo - Suite by Martin O'Donnell and Micahel Salvatori
16. The Legend of Zelda -Suite by Koji Kondo
17. Final Fantasy VIII - One Winged Angel by Nobuo Uematsu

Encore piece : Blue Dragon

Gotta say, there is something so incredibly refreshing and funny about a full orchestra playing Super Mario Bros theme....(and doing a superb job at that)

Not to mention, this is perhaps the only orchestral concert for which the Y chromosomes make up the majority of the audience. (I don't think this sentence is grammarically correct...help?)

What a way to spend a Saturday night.

things that amuses me

2006-09-28T11:22:00.000-05:00

This.

the process of release

2006-09-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

I really need to go for a run.

Whenever I felt like this at Guelph, I always went for a run to work it off.

What is "it"?

It is all the emotion: all the fear, frustration, confusion, desperation, uncertainty and impatience.

This emotional cocktail brews when I think about my past or my future. Or worst yet, both at the same time.

Past: I fucked this and this and this and this and that up. Grrr...

Future: I have none. It is a big big big black hole.

Congrats to me, I think I have reached a depressive state.

I do not want to eat. I do not want to have contact with anyone. This train of thought won't stop.

Now, how do I get out of it without going for a run to let the pressure escape?

Positive thinking.

Right. Positive thinking.

I have no future.

Crap.

No, not that.

Okay this isn't working.

Try #2, three guys tried to pick up at the bar last night.

Quantity good, quality bad. That sucks.

Okay, this isn't working either.

Try #3, my parents love me and I have friends who care.

Well, my parents' love sufficates me more than anything. And my friends are not within arms reach (not that it matters cuz I don't feel like being reached).

Crap, that didn't work either.

*breathe in*

*breathe out*

(repeat 5x)

*re-checks pressure*

Down.

Oh wow, I think venting worked. I think I'll grab supper. GO yummy yummy homemade pasta.

Jack, it has happened

2006-09-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

And this is a response to the abortion ban in South Dakota.

taken from www.mikhaela.net

definition of a good day

2006-09-06T08:48:00.000-05:00

1. Start of the school year for other people but not me. September is looking great. No midterm stress in October or final exam crunch before xmas.

2. Bought a bottle of my favourite perfume.

3. Picked up my lingerie order from Sears.

4. Picked off about five pounds of gorgeous green wine grapes fresh from the vine on my balcony.

5. A great work day that went by fast and painlessly. No deadline stress and no calls from lawyers who doesn’t have a life.

6. Enjoyed the season premier of House.

7. Finished off a wallpaper I have been working on for the past week. Loving the faster processing speed of my Toshiba.

Expectations create more expectations, it's my curse

2006-08-29T10:36:00.000-05:00

You Are A Poplar Tree

People tend to look up to you, and it's a bit lonely at the top.
Inside, you are not always self confident, but you show great courage.
Mature and organized, you are reliable in any situation.
You tend to have an artistic or philosophical outlook on life.
You are very choosy in love and take partnership seriously.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Randomness (okay, only because the server is down for Minitokyo and I am loving my New Toshiba

2006-08-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

I should be going to bed.

But when was the last time I took good advice huh? (especially my own)

So I got back with my ex (aka, television) and I have decided that maybe I should put some limits on this relation again. Recall...why I divorced in the first place: it was good but tv took me away from my priorities (ie school). Apparently this slipped my mind tonight. I didn't get to cooking until 10pm because of House and Hustle. More importantly, I was hoggin the kitchen and my poor roommates had to wait until I was done making (and cleaning up) my mess. What's even worse, they were incredibly nice about it. Talk about guilt triping!

My French (thus automatically hot) roommate is due to be delivered sometime this week. Oh goodies, finally I can have someone to laugh with while enjoying time with my ex (recall, aka tv) and not hear the echo of my own silly laughter.

I should head to bed. Did I mention that?

Ouches for the bar...guys get ready

2006-08-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

This was on CHUM FM's Sat Morning Show...I couldn't get all of them, but there's an excerpt of the best/worst/most painful way to turn off a pick up line:

1.
Guy: How do you get to be so beautiful?

Girl: Well, I must have had your share.

2.
Guy: I am a photographer, I have been looking for a face like yours.

Girl: What coincidence, I am a plastic surgeon and I have been looking for a face like yours.

3.
Guy: Your body is like a temple

Girl: Sorry, there are no services today.

4.
Guy: I am an accountant, what do you do for a living?

Girl: Female impersonator.

5.
Guy: Don't be shy, go ahead and ask me out...

Girl: Okay...GET OUT!

Enjoy that. I sure did.

details

2006-07-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

Since you asked...

Medical Electrophysiology Technician

I said that this job is no where near as good as the title sounds. Here's why:
Basically I would go in at 8:30pm, hook patient up to sleep monitoring devices, and watch them sleep til 7am. I would imagine that staying awake just to watch other people sleep is a very miserable task. Not to mention, the pay schedule is a bit funny: $ 12/hr for 1st 3 months, $ 15/hr after 1st 3 months, $ 18/hr after 1.5 years and passing the licensing exam. I think they were trying to offer me a career I don’t want.

So basically I lost a day of wages (plus $4 on 0.5 hr of parking) just to confirm that there are worse jobs out here and to be appreciative of what I’ve got.

and the winner is...

2006-07-25T07:54:00.000-05:00

It's a HELL NO to the position in Kitchener.

Staying in Hammy!

Possibilities

2006-07-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I called home and was told that I received another job interview. It's for the Medical Electrophysiology Technician position at the Sleep Clinic in Kitchener. That's a heck of a job title if you ask me. The trouble is that this job opportunity came too late; it's been a full two weeks since I started working in Hamilton. However, it made me re-evaluate my present job and shook my resolve to live in Hamilton.

Tell me tell you a bit about my present job:

The place I work is called Maximum Independence Inc., an Occupational Therapy company ran by a couple, Maike and Carl McCaskell. Along with them there are two additional administrative assistants, two Occupational Therapy Assistants (with flashy certificates that say so), and three other Occupational Therapists. I work for Maike, the “head” Occupational Therapist, or in other words, the boss of everyone there. Maike is strong, outgoing and honest, and it's not hard to tell that she is the dominate partner in her marriage with Carl. She has had the same assistant, Janin, for the past six years and that’s who I was hired to replace. On my first day I was given a thick medical brief containing the assessment reports of various medical professions to summarize. It made my brain hurt. My progress was “impressive” according to Maike the next day, and immediately I was slapped with another report. The task seemed daunting at first, partly because I was given minimal instruction and assistance. But it went okay. The same trend continued for the past two weeks: Maike slappin’ piles of reports for me to edit, summarize etcetera, and me meeting her demands. At this point, I already feel that this job is too easy. And that’s disappointing. Maike should really stop telling me that I am doing everything perfectly the first go. Decoding the medical reports for the right information didn’t take too long to learn, double checking prices and recommendations was straight forward. The most difficult part of my job is to figure out Maike’s insane schedule, communicating with the law offices and booking appointments with clients. Or in other words, the actual secretary portion.

I personally think that I am way over-qualified for this job. The pay for this position, according to the job description, is fair. A science degree is not necessary for this position, courses in pathology, anatomy and physiology would be sufficed. I don't think one should get paid more for doing this job. But I am capable of so much more. So I asked myself, why am I working here? Why am I working at a job that’s basically…a job (not a career). Why am I not reaching my full potential and being paid less than what I could get? It's not all about money, but I can't deny that I judge jobs by pay rates. I look around my office, and the only position I would want to see myself in 20 years down the road is Maike’s – being the boss of everyone. Right now, I am at the bottom of the ladder and I don’t like it.

I am impatient. This job would give me temporary financial security and the time to relax. Somehow I just can't seem to accept things are they are and stop dreaming about something better.

That's why I decided to for the interview in Kitchener. I just wanted to know, what else I am good for and what other potential road are there to get me to where I want to be – Medschool.

Would I want to uproot myself from Hamilton and move? Not really. I do like Hamilton as a city and I quite like my little flat and my lovely roommates. But it's annoying not even having a buddy to go to the bars with (not that I have the energy to go out, but (I'd like to have this option). Waiting for my hot roommate from France to show up is getting frustrating too.

On Thursday, I called my friend Jing up and basically said “I got another job interview, and I am going to it.” According to her, the resolve in my voice was worrying, and she gave me this whole lecture on being patient and not be rash in decision making. I am taking her advice to heart. All in all, my experience so far has confirmed my decision to keep on pursuing medicine. The details of that pursuit are still in the shadows though. Bah!

New beginning

2006-07-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I have already found a flat for myself in Hamilton. It is cozy and the landlord and my two roommates upstairs are very nice. My landlord and her two dogs lives on the first floor, my living space is on the second floor, and the other two housemates (a Chinese couple) lives on the third floor. Everything is basically there: furniture, microwave, internet cable, tv with cable, bedding, even extra blankets. There is a large balcony outside my living room which is completely covered by two giant grapevines and makes a great chill spot for company in the summer. Come September I will have to share the living space with an International Exchange student from France. I hope she will be hot. This place will do for the time being, as in, at least for the next four months. I may consider apartment living in the future, it all depends on how fed up I get with bussing everyday.

Moving wasn’t anything painful. Dad made a trip last Thursday and then dropped me off again last Sunday along with some extra stuff. Get this, my biggest item to move was two white chairs for the balcony. Mom was freaking out about leaving me to sort everything out and I (literately) had to shove her out the door. Then she emailed me this frantic message asking me if I want anything else dropped off, telling me to close my windows and door at night, and to take notes at work...blah...blah... Considering that I went to Australia for half a year where I handle all aspects of moving without a car …you’d think that she would have a little more faith in my abilities and experiences.

The first day of work didn’t quite start out right. First, it was raining, and out of all the things I brought with me, I was missing an umbrella. At least I packed a rain coat. Getting up at 7 am was very miserable. I didn’t have milk in the fridge (my usual brekky) and subbed with pineapple juice instead. I got out the door in time to catch the bus, but had issues locking the front door. Then I couldn’t find the bus stop (don’t ask me how this is possible) and got picked up by the right bus anyways (I guess I looked a little sad and lost, drenched in the rain and all). The bus ride seemed to take forever, going up the mountain then just kept on going and going...I got to work 10 minutes late. But I didn’t get yelled at by my boss. My first task was to summarize this giant consultation reports. My brain didn’t like that one bit. It’s been at least two months since I gave my brain a workout and it resented my boss’s command with a headache and frequent blank outs. After work I went to Limeridge mall and got myself a cell phone. The first call I made? Home, of course. My brother wasn’t happy to hear from me and Mom was a little too happy (or just relieved, as she claimed).

Apparently I made good progress on my first day, as my boss was impressed with my work and then presented another report to summarize the next day. Oh goodies. I am shocked about how much medical legal consultation and assessment cost. My boss charges $ 140 an hour. No wonder she drives a Mercedes. Asides from getting use to the nature of this type of work, I really have no complaints about the working environment. There is no one watching over my shoulder constantly, everyone seems to be really friendly and helpful and people bought me coffee (oh I do miss Timmy’s!). Yesterday I was honestly about to crash at 11am from exhaustion but then candy miraculously appeared and after having lunch with the girls and coffee I was good to go for the rest of the day.

Okay, now I need to get back to work....

Ching

If kids must eat their greens then Ching must do lab work

2006-07-01T21:07:00.000-05:00

Here are my impairments in life:

1. French impaired.

2. Waitress impaired.

3. Laboratory impaired.

4. Directions impaired (just thought that I would point this one out)

Impairment #2 and #3 are similar. I won’t ever waitress because I am slow, clumsy and can’t stand being yelled at for spilling food, drinks and mixing up orders. I don’t want to work in a laboratory because of the unpredictable results, the repetitiveness, long hours and over time (how it takes over my life), the clean up, the annoying lab book updates, the fight for bench space and reagents and mundane data analysis. (Sara and Jack, dare to prove me wrong on the above point?)Do you see how those two are the same? I am not cut out for them and I also lack the interest. Ideally, if one is not cut out for something and have little interest in the matter, one can choose avoidance. That worked well for waitressing. I am sensing that I might have to venture into laboratory research work for the sake of adding points to my medschool application.

If kids must eat their greens then Ching must do lab work. Oh the torture and misery ahead.

huh?

2006-07-01T07:14:00.000-05:00

You scored as Art. You should be an Art major! How bohemian!

Art

100%

Psychology

100%

Dance

92%

Sociology

92%

Theater

83%

Philosophy

83%

Mathematics

83%

Engineering

83%

Journalism

58%

Anthropology

58%

Biology

50%

Chemistry

50%

English

25%

Linguistics

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

Okay, I guess the only good explanation I can think of is that I like too many things but there is only one of me and 24 hrs a day to go around. And that just because I love doing something doesn't necessarily mean I will make a living out of it.

this is how i occupy my time

2006-06-26T08:23:00.000-05:00

This is what is called an oil miniature. It took me less than 10 hours over three weeks period (I procrastinate). Most of this painting is created using small brushes, but i did cheat and scratch individual hairs in with a pin. The first picture is a close up. THe second photo gives you an idea of the relative size. This painting is for Dr.Lu to celebrate his 70th birthday. He was born in the year of the tiger.

I could get used to this

2006-06-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

It is amazing. Waking up everyday and not plagued by a long list of things to do. Usually the first synapses being made by my conscious brain generate those. But alas, the miserable days of undergrad have passed. Some remnants linger however. My alarm goes off at 7:50am, telling me to follow the standard daily protocol of sending my little brother to school.

Life would be so great without him.

I am convinced that my brother is underdeveloped in his mid and hind brain areas. He has major life skills issues. I would make an exhaustive list here, except that people who usually read this blog are not parents (thank god, really!), and therefore lack the proper appreciation of the significance (boo to that though). I’ll save it for later.

My folks are still worried about me. But I think they have come to live with this idea that my future is in limbo, as I have. We have reached a new equilibrium, and this time it’s up to me to tip the balance (in the right direction of course). Since I am getting job interviews, I guess they know that I am employable. I never had a doubt in me. As long as the employer doesn’t request my transcript, I am good to go.

I now take daily naps without worrying about lost study time. I can watch tv without disapproving glare from my parents. I hog the computer and surf the net constantly in the name of job search. I am on my second novel, I make jewellery, I paint...my room is a mess and I don’t care.

Thanks but no thanks

2006-06-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

I say the above to two things:

#1. My parents’ over-protective and smothering love.

#2. The opportunity to pursue Masters with an annual stipend of $17500, as offered by Dr. MacLucsky, the Chair of the Biomedical Science Department.

Of course, #1 and #2 are related.

Somehow, my parents believe that the only viable option for me now is to find a prof to pursue graduate studies with, asap! And along came Dr. MacLusky’s offer. My mom literately jumped at the chance. However, I am not doing any jumping. First, this offer comes from a department in which I have little interest in pursuing further education. I hate laboratories, and two years worth will certainly kill me. Secondly, this offer comes from the wrong university. I am not doing graduate school at Guelph. I mean, it’s June, and the department still has spots open for graduate students for Sept? And how is it that they have so much cash lying around to throw at me (okay, so maybe the Chair just loves me but...).

All in all, this offer is a very generous one (com’on, I am getting the Ph.D level of guaranteed funding here!) and I am quite flattered. It is one which I must turn down, however, for the sake of my own sanity.

I don’t want more school. I am mentally not ready to handle graduate school. Towards the end of my degree, I was about to tear my hair out. Going to convocation felt like going to my own funeral (but my mood improved dramatically). The rejection from Toronto still hurts.

I don’t want to treat graduate studies like it’s my chore. I want to be excited and driven by genuine interest in what I am studying. From this perspective, the offer at Guelph is not it. I am so happy that the Chair sees potential in me, but I honestly wish he was someone in Toronto or McGill. I also know that based on my academic performance, there is no way I can get such a handsome stipend from other schools. But I guess that is the trade off for pursuing happiness.

The other problem is that my parents think that I am basically “done for” and should give up on going to a top notch graduate school or medical school. Why the trait of perseverance is not praised but looked down upon by Asian parents is very puzzling. And even more so, the concept of “taking a year off”. I understand that life is short...blah...blah...but I don’t understand which competition I am in and what finish line they are trying to rush me to. I really want to convince them that I have still got it; that I am only temporary lost and broken. But I gave them stagger sentences, sad faces, and silence. I having extreme difficult to communicate with my parents. Why is this so hard? I brag about how well my ideas come across on my resume; somehow this skill doesn’t work on my folks.

Honestly, I have never gone against my parents in anything. Maybe that’s the reason why it is making it so tough. Maybe for the first time, my parents realized that they really don’t understand what is going on in my head. Maybe it just occurred to them that my life will not go the way as they have planned.

And it just occurred to me that, going to medical school or top notch graduate school alone will not give me freedom. I need a completely different mentality, attitude and approach to how things are going to be. For this reason, I am kinda glad that plan A (medschool) and plan B (gradschool) both failed.

What if

2006-06-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

“Hey Ching, let’s open a tattoo parlor together!”

I remember clearly the excitement in Diya’s voice and the glitter in her eyes when she said those words.

Oh how I wish.

Oh how I wish I could actually do something like that.

But all misery and restraints aside...I am going to pretend that I can do-as-I-wish with my life and fantasize about opening a tattoo parlor.

First off, I don’t have a single tattoo on me. And I hate pain. So what reasons, you might ask, do I have for wanting to inject ink into people’s skins? Well, I don’t mind pain, if I am the one inducing it. Blood doesn’t scare me one bit. Secondly, I am an artist. And I absolutely adore organic patterns, as in body art. To me, giving someone a tattoo would be equivalent to creating a piece of artwork. I have very fine motor control skills and I bet I can create technically challenging and fabulous designs with practice.

Secondly, money. I am not a millionaire, nor am I planning on marrying one. How do I finance this big undertaking? I think our government has a special grant for young people who wish to start new businesses, that will be my first source. Second option—-banks. Sure, the interest rates are not great, but my business background and retail experience will allow me to make a decent business proposal and sell it well. Third option, friends and family. My first boss, Warren, lived in Asia for 15 years as a business man. He has both the wealth and the knowledge to support me. And hey, the guy loves me. Major bonus there.

Third and most importantly…will this idea fly? Will this be more than some stupid act of youthful rebellion? ABSOLUTELY!

I have basic business knowledge to get a financial start. To lower costs: I have family friends who are skilled in renovations. After reaching an agreement on the general interior décor and desired atmospheric effects of the store, Diya and I will be able to handle most of the work ourselves. We will have incents, music from the far east, rich drapery, comfy couches and beanbag chairs, tones of pillows and cushions, magazines, and a gallery of body art. Of course, to create a place with the above specification would cost a fortune if everything was new. But I know creative souls who are geniuses at creating expensive looking things from scrapes. Our parlor will be their art project. We will promote our store in concerts, clubs and bars, the Hillside Festival and other large scale arts events. We will introduce memberships, discounts for returning customers, and gift certificates.

What I wish to create is not your run-of-the-mill, sketchy, dark store on a street corner. I wish to promote tattoo as an artform and take the experience of getting a tattoo beyond the pain.

First, people must be education about tattoos.
I will have a website and in store brochures with everything people would want to know about tattoos.
1. Its history, the various types, common symbols used.
2. Address from a medical perspective, the risks involved, and the various dermatomes on the human body and their relative sensitivity to pain.
3. additional information: a). the most common reasons why people pick one place on their body over another. b) advantages and disadvantages of large vs small, elaborate vs simple, coloured vs monotone designs.

Second, people must come to understand what we wish to offer
1. to educate the public in general about tattoos and break the stereotype that tattoos are for a small sect of society.
- We will accomplish this by using a website and brochures, and having open and free consultations with everyone in the store.
2. to provide a rewarding service.
- People are excited and yet frightened by the idea that a tattoos are permanent. Some people are afraid of making this commitment. We wish to create a service where people can get a rub-on tattoo of their desired design for $5. This way, they can put it where they want it and try it out to see if they like their design before the needle gets into their skin.
3. to create unique designs customized to individual needs.
- We will never recycle tattoo designs. Each design will be, in every sense of the word, unique.

This idea of mine has evolved so far that I have started to sketch the interior décor, and designing the wall murals (yeah dragons!).

At least I am allowed to dream.

So..em, how do I do this?

2006-06-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

I opened my email inbox and found an interview invite. Oh goodies someone wants me to be their secretary.

(Initial) Problem #1: I have applied to about 25 jobs, all related to healthcare administrations, and I didn’t even keep a record of which job this one was. It took me a good 20 minutes to locate the same job ad again. Phew…

Problem #2: The job is at a private Occupational Therapy Clinic in Hamilton, full time. How am I going to arrange transportation? Do I move to Hamilton? I don’t know the city at all!

Problem #3: I am still tied down with teaching music until the first week of July. So how am I supposed to “start immediately” as they have requested?

Problem #4: This happens to be the first interview offer to come along and I have my eyes on more attractive positions. If I get this job offer, do I say yes right away? What if I get interviews at the better positions? How do I manage this, exactly?

Lost and Found

2006-06-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling completely drained and devoid of any sense of accomplishment. Looking back, four years ago, I never thought that I would worry about not being able to smile at convocation. The big stab was the rejection from gradschool and it has taken three months for the wound to stop bleeding. And the healing process still isn’t complete. Funny, people understand when one falls out of a relationship and gives that person time to come around. I think this particular rejection for me is just as painful as a breakup. I was so full of hope for something great when September 2006 rolled around. I thought I was going to be freed. Life was going to be different; I was going to get somewhere. I entrusted so much on life as a graduate student. Then it all fell apart with a letter in the mail. All the certainty I was feeling turned into uncertainty. All the carefully planned steps turned into wastes of time. All the things I thought I did right turned out to be wrong. Logically, it shouldn’t hurt this much. I have got my degree and I have got job experience. With these, I should be able to go anywhere I please. It isn’t the end of the world. But it sure feels that way. Just like when a relationship ends.

This past Monday I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Following, I drugged myself up with Tylenol #3 and slept for most of the week (I was not overdosing). I think it made up for a portion of sleep deprivation accumulated in undergrad. The hunger was utterly unbearable though.

Friday I went to work, saw familiar faces smiling at me and received many “welcome back”s. Getting some kind of routine back improved my mood significantly. I got the courage to finally look at my last semester’s grades and started looking into employment possibilities.

Last weekend, Mom told me to do a comprehensive report/reflection on my undergraduate experience. All she had to do was mention “undergrad” and I was an emotional mess. I had never lost my cool so completely when speaking to her. She had touched my wound. She had spoken the forbidden word. She made me think about the one thing I did not want to think about.

Well, I thought about it. Perhaps not as comprehensively as she had demand. It’s a start though.

Things that worked out

1. Going to Australia
2. Renewing my scholarship every semester
3. Loving my major and not changing my mind about my program of study even when the going was tough
4. Meeting amazing people and keeping them as friends
5. Getting respect and support from staff and faculty members about my endeavors
6. Keeping a part time job while in school
7. Dedicating myself to student organizations
8. Maintaining the belief that studying science and business is worthwhile
9. Having a stupid school girl crush on my TA, befriending him, and keeping him as a friend even after an interesting confession

Things that did not

1. Medschool
2. Gradschool
3. Moving out from home
4. Maintaining academic focus
5. Making sure that the President of the University know me by name (now, this would have been easy had I attended more General Senate meetings and “seconded” something on the agenda)
6. Falling in love (though people say that this is incredibly easy to do?)
7. Finding out what I am supposed do with life

Anime North 2006

2006-06-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

According to my folks, I was at Christa’s last weekend. Ah, the annual excuse for going to the Anime North convention.

This year, I was not adequately prepared. I had three days to make my costume while feeling jetlagged and hiding all evidence from my family. The biggest challenge, of course, turned out to be driving. Unlike last year, I didn’t go across four lanes to make my exit for Dixon Road…

I missed my exit three times.

Last year, I memorized the driving instructions, and wrote on my page in bold letters “NOT DIXIE”. Guess what I did this year? I went off on the Dixie road exit. Turning to Bron, I said “em…watch the street numbers til we find 600 Dixon. Wait…how come the numbers are all four digits? OH SHIT!” At this point I have already gone over the same stretch of Dixie Street three times. Okay, let’s try this again…

I took the 427 North exit off Dixie and made oops #2 by actually turning on to Renforth Drive. Ah crap, my instructions told me to go PAST Renforth exit and go straight on 427 North.

Okay, let’s try this for (hopefully) the last time. I got off Renforth Drive on to 427 North once again, and alas, there was the sign for Dixon Road. At this point, I was about to cry.

Next year I am so going to memorize my driving instructions and consult a real map before driving off.

As we got closer to the Toronto Congress Centre (TCC), we saw groups of people in costumes, which brought squeals of delight from Bron. Yeah, we feel normal!

The next hour was spent in lineups, lineups, and line ups. Good thing we had some interestingly dressed individuals to keep our eyes occupied. What I love most are the poor parents being dragged out by their kids into this mess of a convention. While the kids look like they were having the time of their lives, their folks were completely freaked out. I bet they were thinking “oh God, I hope my little Johnny won’t grow up to be like them…especially THAT one…”. Makes me feel old, but hey, at least the kids are cute.

Getting to our hotel, we checked into our room and immediately begun the transformation process. I am very thankful that I don’t have to wear a heavy wig, although spiking my hair wasn’t a fun experience either. My hair has never felt so hard, crispy and dry.

Let me assure you that I looked nothing like my usual self and freaked out the hotel staff along with the 500 other con-goers. Strangely enough, I did manage to bump into people I know. Don’t worry, they are also anime otakus. No loss of reputation there (what reputation eh?)
The gigantic Dealers Room just made me feel incredibly, incredibly poor, especially since Bron was hauling in about 20 books from each stale. Yes, I would love to have my own stockpile of manga and drool over the gorgeous artwork BUT #1 I don’t have the money #2 I don’t have the room to put all that stuff #3 I don’t have the time.

The entire highlight of the convention was the Moonlight Masquerade Ball. The concept of a Ball is just irresistible. Finally, I have an opportunity to wear this white dress from Value Village which has been stuffed into a shoe box under my bed for over a year. I know, it is not fair for such a pretty thing to be treated like trash, but hey, I only spent $10. Not to mention, I can finally expel some of that bottled up creative energy into making a mask. As it turned out, it was a VERY poorly organized event. They completely underestimated the popularity of a Ball to con-goers and the room was far too small. We spent about 5 hours(!) waiting in line before getting in. The chocolate fountain was quite good and worth the wait, I must admit. Asking random people (guys and gals) to dance with a full face mask on using hand gestures was also fun. Perhaps the happiest moment for me was when I own the best mask of the Ball and became $50 richer. Yeah money!

Although this year had a rough start, the weekend turned out to be a great time. Next year (wherever I shall end up), I will plan it better. And hopefully, I will no longer need to use Christa as my annual excuse.

back and lost

2006-05-28T17:21:00.000-05:00

ALLO!

It’s been awhile.

I feel as though I have disappeared from the face of the earth while I was in China. Although the trip was spent with my family, I really appreciated the change in atmosphere. Now I am back and forced to pick up where I left off and answer the big question "So, what's next?". I applied for a government sponsored position in New Zealand but the bastards refused to call me in China for a phone interview. Still waiting to hear from European placements I applied for.

The only enthusiastic employer is a resort in Banff called Johnston Canyon. Moms is not too hot on me flying off to Alberta to clean rooms and pour coffee after all that university education. Haven’t really decided on the Banff thing. My CV lists enough jobs that cultivated independence and other practical skills. I am considering turning it down though. It is about time that I look into career related jobs and find out what I am worth. Looking back on my semester exchange to Australia last year, I realized that it was my excuse to get away from living at home. Although it was a nice break, coming back to life-as-it-was turned out to be very painful. It made me realize that I was simply running away and not making any real progress. Going to Banff would be, to a certain extent, repeating Australia. It would be me running away and then coming right back to where I left off. I should really just suck it up and move on. Job search is not one of my favourite things in the world, but alas it must be done.

My mother is not pleased gives me the silence treatment and sporadic
cold remarks treatment. At least she has to go to work everyday so I can get a
break from her presence.

I am getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. So not ready for the pain.

help unwanted

2006-04-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

Today, as I walked by the athletic centre to my car, I noticed a disabled person push the police button by the Emergency Pole. She had extreme speech difficulties and the operator was having trouble understanding her. A passing by student stopped and offered help and I walked up as well. Her name is Maggie. We had a hard time understanding what Maggie was trying to say, and her voice was growing louder with impatience. Finally, I managed to spell out “I am not dumb, I don’t need help”. So I asked if Maggie would like to be left alone, and she finally calmed down. We both left Maggie, bid her good day and Maggie thanked us.

Now that I think about it, it must be so difficult for Maggie to deal with people who couldn’t understand her and associate her speech impairment with stupidity. I guess that when my facial expression was that of confusion, it signaled to Maggie that I was looking down on her even though I was only trying to help. I bet that Maggie is fluent in sign language. I wish I know sign language too.

which one?

2006-04-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

My battle cry (according to various nicknames):

1. Yea, verily: Who is that, rampaging through the hotel lobby! It is Chingers, hands clutching a meaty axe! She screams homicidally:
"In the name of malice, I destroy all in my path like the world's mightiest bad-ass!!!"

2. Yea, verily: Who is that, rampaging across the fields! It is Ching, hands clutching a thorned whip! And with a vengeful cry, her voice cometh:
"I'm going to spackle you with wasabi!"

3. Hark! Who is that, skulking on the freeway! It is Chingaling, hands clutching a reflective halberd! She cries ominously:
"I'm going to bruise you until you spontaneously degenerate!!"

4. Striding along the desert, cutting down all who dare stand in the way using two hardened pitas, cometh Cha-Ching! And she gives a spectacular bellow:
"Vengeance and goo flow from my veins! I will bend the enemy to my wicked will!!!"

5. Sprinting amidst the plains, brandishing a bladed baseball bat, cometh Qing! And she gives a spectacular roar:
"I'm going to fuck you like it's my job!!"

Now the last one is a bit interesting....I think the creators got a bit tired and decided to use something unoriginal.

Another one of those moments

2006-04-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

Right now I’m feeling as though I am letting everyone down, including myself.

For the first time ever, I had brain freeze during my Anatomy practical exam. For the life of me I could not recall information, vital information. Let’s pray I got everything else perfect.

My Mammalian Physiology Lab group finished the last group assignment without me. They met yesterday without me. I was so wrapped up cramming for Anatomy that I couldn’t make it. And I didn’t even check my email to give the edited version a final read until this afternoon…after they have already handed it in. I feel as though I’m letting them down too.

Mom sent memo for me to edit. It’s a permission to leave for her bosses. In it she talked about the health issues of my grandmother. And how we had to wait til I’m done exams to go back to China even though it’s not the best time and how I must go because I was so close to my grandmother. Bullshit! I was never close with my grandmother. Mom should stop dreaming up healthy family relations. I’m also beginning to wonder about my grandfather. Mom and Dad don’t talk about him anymore. I honestly have the sneaking suspicion that he past away already. But I’m not going to be an idiot and ask directly. I know I’m not close to my grandfather either…but at least tell me if he is still in this world! I know too much information about my extended family relations can make me very depressed and angry but some news I should be entitled to. I guess I will find out the truth once I get back home.

Tis the Bond Girlz!

2006-04-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, so look at this picture.

Their instruments are the coolist things I've ever seen! Wouldn't you like a violin or cello like that?

For more sassy instruments with sassy girls go here

Thanks but...

2006-04-01T10:43:00.000-06:00

I went to the Gryphon Dome several minutes ago hoping to run off some frustration and adrenaline. So such luck, the place is packed with parents and high school girls...stupid soccer tournament.

I have been trying to avoid my folks and any serious conversation about life at all cost. I wasn’t successful this morning and wound up being lectured by my Mother. She is seriously worried about me and my lack of initiative to look for other Graduate School placements. The concept of “I’m burnt out and I can’t stand any more talk about school or the awful state of my grades” doesn’t really work with her. To Mom, I’m just hopelessly lost and she worries about this miserable state as a permanent thing. Apparently Mom and Dad has been talking and Dad thought that it’s okay for me to stop pursuing higher education, get a mediocre job and be done with life planning. Mom thought I had more potential, which is why she is trying to push me in the right direction. Notice how there is no middle ground there? Why the idea of taking a year off working then going back to school won’t take root in their minds is beyond me. She’s asking me to make contacts with my professors, employers, friends, anyone at all who might have ties to other schools. I told her I can’t do any more planning right now as I am fully occupied in schoolwork. Hell, I have a 15 page essay worth 35% of my grade due tomorrow and so far I’ve got three pages. I ain’t kiddin about workload. And it’s not as if she is making my life any easier. By planning this big family trip home, she’s asking me to pack during my final exams and be on a 32 hr flight the morning after my last exam. I do not get to breathe. That’s why I need to be away, that’s why I need time off. So I can breathe and feel human again.

Numbers

2006-03-25T17:15:00.000-06:00

I usually like numbers.
Numbers measure things.
Numbers tell stories.

But sometimes numbers are not on my side.

I was going to write this giant entry about Grad Bash, the annual Ball for Human Kinetics and Biomedical Science students. I was going to write about how much attention James got for wearing a kilt, about how awesome it was to get 10 pounds of jelly beans for decorations and getting sugar highs while setting up. I was going to tell you how awesome it was to make a balloon arch, curl ribbons, and hang inspirational Dr.Seuss quotes from the ceiling. I was going to tell you all about this girl in a hot red dress who did the worm on the dance floor then her skirt flipped up and apparently she had nothing on underneath. I was going to tell you all about how lovely it was to see Dr. Partlow again because he retired at Christmas time and he was a mentor to the students of Biomedical Sciences. I was going to give excerpts of Dr. Graham’s speech to the graduating class. I was going to tell you about how wonderful it was to have a celebration of my life here at Guelph.

But I can’t concentrate on any of that right now. I can’t seem to think about the good things. Instead, I am reminded of again and again, how important numbers are, and of how much life can suck when the numbers are not right.

I’m talking about grades. Those numbers. I ain’t got’em. Because of these numbers, Medschools shut their doors in my face, U of T Gradschool shut its door in my face, and last night I was reminded that pain again when I didn’t receive the Gary Partlow Prize for Leadership and Academic Excellence.

How many times must numbers fuck up my life?

I used to love numbers. I used to be good at getting the numbers I want. But I lost focus this past year. Life was overwhelming and I couldn’t do it anymore. I miscalculated.

I don’t know why not getting this award hurts so much. I thought I got over the disappointment of rejection from Gradschool. But I’m forced to pick at my own wounds and make it bleed. I guess it hurts because Dr. Gary Partlow is a wonderful mentor who believed in me when I didn’t, who offered support when I couldn’t keep on going. I wanted to make him proud. He and I know I’m worth it, and we want to prove it to the world too. But that didn’t happen did it?

It is ironic really. Originally I wasn’t going to bother with this scholarship. But Kristin, my fellow Co-Prez, nominated me and I nominated her in return. She thought that I would get it for sure because my list of involvement is about four times longer than hers. But that doesn’t matter does it? It’s an award for academic excellence, not academic mediocrity.

I am happy for Kristin, I truly am. She applied to all six Medschools in Ontario and received all rejection letters. Following, she fell ill with mono. She was drained, both in body and spirit. She lost faith in herself. She couldn’t even stand the briefest mention of Medschool. I know receiving this award would be the very ray of hope, the boost Kristin needs to get herself up again. She needed this more than I did.

What I didn’t realize was how much I wanted it for myself too. It was very kind of Dr. Partlow to squeeze in my name in his speech when he presented the award to Kristin. It’s good to know that he still believes in me. Deep down, I haven’t forgotten it. I’m just so incredibly emotionally volatile these days.

And the numbers game isn’t over yet. I have another month of it. I will be strong and remind myself that the final numbers haven’t been determined yet. I will one day love numbers again.

2006-03-22T16:06:00.000-06:00

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

2006-03-19T16:05:00.000-06:00

I'm gradually feeling better.

Ups and downs sometimes though.

College Royal Open House was this weekend. Being a Guelphite, and a Gryphon, I really should’ve participated more. Yesterday morning I debated on going to the Pancake Flip because I remember being really pissed off about missing it last year. Somehow I didn’t feel like going to campus. Somehow I just wanted to do nothing. I was shocked at my own lack of motivation.

I'm skipping my volunteer shift because I didn't feel like going. It is rare for me to not feel like doing something I have committed myself to. I plan to make slow progress on my Finance report instead.

It’s kind of funny how this week has gone by so slowly. I’m looking at the clock wondering why it’s only 5:09pm. I thought I wasted more time than this….

Time goes slowly when one is tired.

I’m completely burnt out. I don’t even bother making the effort to engage in enjoyable activities. Every single thing becomes a chore, when it wasn’t like that before. I constantly tell myself to keep on going, so I can survive and move on to greater things. It’s harder to tell myself that when plan A and B failed and plan C is to be determined.

Mom also senses this I think. She was asking about my plans and how Gradschool is coming along. I’m pretty sure she knew I got a rejection letter for Grad Studies at U of T. I thought she would flip…I underestimated her level of tolerance I guess. Instead, she’s stressing about saving for retirement. In a way, I feel the pressure too. She has been worrying about money her entire life. Had I gotten into Medschool she wouldn’t have to worry about finances so much. Let’s get realistic here, Docs make some pretty impressive numbers. I’m sure if I ever become one I would spare some to support my mother.

Dr. Partlow was really nice and offered his support in other applications even though he’s retired. That’s my next step, figure out where I’m going to end up next year. It’s not going to be in Guelph.

Feeling rather like Icarus

2006-03-14T20:42:00.000-06:00

I think I aimed too high for my own good, and now I lie on the ground all bloody and beaten.

I got my fourth and final rejection letter yesterday.

And this one is the worst because it’s from U of T Graduate Studies, my originally intended back-up plan. It says that Epidemiology is a competitive program and only one out of five applicants gets in. I’m one of the unfortunate four out of five who didn’t get in.

It’s back to the drawing board for me.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless, disappointed, unwanted, useless, angry and ashamed. It’s a different type of rejection from someone you like. For me, it hurts more. It hurts more because I know that I could’ve planned things better to get better grades. It hurts because I know what I’m worth and that I’m good enough yet I’m forced to recognize that according to someone else, I’m wrong. I don’t want to have to question my own integrity and ability. It hurts because I’ve invested notable amount of time and effort and hope into this, only to have a door slammed in my face. It hurts because I hate the present, and the only thread of hope that’s keeping me from falling is a better future. It shatters me because the possibility of prolonging this hell I currently exist in might come true. Now that my future plan is no longer there, I have nothing to keep me going on a day-to-day basis. That was my thought as I cried myself to sleep last night.

For all those famous quotations about how failure is a necessary ingredient for success...I know there’s some truth to it, but damn it! Failure tastes too damn awful to swallow!

Rejections haven’t been my lot in life. It’s a first for me. And I have to wonder…what went wrong? Was I truly aiming too high? Was I thinking too much of myself? Is it because I was naïve enough to believe that if I gave my best efforts, that I will always get what I wanted? Why should going after my hopes and dreams hurt so much?

The worst part of all this emotional rollercoaster is that life doesn’t stop so I can reflect and reorganize myself. I have to keep going in fear of getting more behind than I already am. Getting through my undergrad has truly become a game of survival for me. And it looks like I will still be fighting for survival after this one.

Rest assured though, I will not stay beaten for long. Giving up is something I have never been good at. I will rebuild my wings and test flight again.

What I am

2006-03-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

INFJ: Introverted Intuition with Extroverted Feeling

That is the result of my Myers Briggs Personality Test.

Apparently only about 5% of the population have this combo. This just further justifies the fact that I don't belong in the middle of the bellcurve.

Rachelle

2006-03-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

If Eric Whitacre can make James gay, then Rachelle can make me bi.

Who is Rachelle you ask? She is a really hot girl in my Belly Dancing class. She is very toned, bronzed from the sun and has long brown curls. At first I thought she was Brazilian, but apparently she is of British decent. Who cares...

Why am I not a boy? I really should stop meeting all these amazing girls, where are the guys?

That’s just my vent...I’m still straight. I know some of you are thinking ‘no really’?! But I’m going to remain true to the curse of female humanity--men.

To be honest, my adoration of Rachelle stems more from artistic interests than...the other kind. The proof for this statement lies in my previous artwork. If you look in my portfolio, almost everything I do is about natural forms and curves.

Rachelle has a sporty build, but she is not in any way deprived of curves. Blended with the finely sculpted musculature of her torso are curves definitive of womanhood. She has, what I would say as the perfect body of a woman. I hate it how the media portray the ideal body as one with a flat flat tummy and strategically placed bulges elsewhere (as in, boobs and ass). What’s wrong with a little bit of fat around the midriff?

Rachelle never had Belly Dancing, or any kind of dancing, experience before. After only a month in the advanced class, she’s already surpassed all of us. Rachelle tried to organize dance practice sessions outside of class, and for the one today...I’m the only one who showed up. So...em...it’s not my fault that I was concentrating on her only.

There’s a perfect marriage of strength and fluidity in her movements. It’s one thing to watch things jiggle, it’s another to witness fine-controlled muscle movement and strength. Rachelle has exquisite control over her abdominal muscles and a keen awareness of her physical movements...and everything is so sensual, so very very sensual. This is why I’m convinced men cannot belly dance properly. A man must be stripped of his armor of masculinity and expose the softer elements in the movements. And that’s besides the fact that the typical male body build isn’t made for belly dancing.

I really wish she can be a nude model for me...verbal description of her form hardly does it justice. I don’t think she’ll be comfortable with that idea though. For now, I would be happy just to watch her dance.

Science Mnemonics

2006-03-07T15:18:00.000-06:00

1. For the Biological Classification System

-> Kinky People Can Often Find Good Sex

2. For the Cranial Nerves

-> Oh, Once One Takes The Anatomy Final, Very Good Vacations Are Heavenly
or
-> One Octopus Offered Two Toddlers And Five Virgins Great Valium And Hash.
or
-> Oh, Oh, Oh To Touch And Feel Virgin Girls Vaginas. Such Heaven!
or
-> Oh, Oh, Oh To Touch And Feel Virgin Girls Very Soft Hair.

3. For Sensory/Motor Innervation:

-> Some Say Marry Money But My Brother Says Big Brains Matter More.

4. For the carpal bones of the hand

-> Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle.

5. For divisions of the Inferior Mesentaric Artery

-> Leather Swim Suits

Yes, I do learn a lot in school.

I procrastinate...bloody paper!!

2006-03-04T17:01:00.000-06:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

"Tag!" Fine...I'm "it"...I've never been a good runner

2006-03-03T22:04:00.000-06:00

Four jobs I've had:
1. Slave to my family (the pay really sucks and still trying to get out of this one...)
2. Music teacher
3. Cleaner at a condom testing facility in Australia
4. Biscuit packer (factory job really sucks!)

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. The Little Mermaid
2. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
3. Finding Nemo
4. Serenity

Four places I've lived:
1. Sydney Australia
2. Wuhan, Hubei, China
3. The art room in my high school
4. a cage commonly referred to as "my parents' house"

Four TV Shows I love:
1. The Simpsons (before I divorced tv)
2. The O.C. (before I divorced tv)
3. Firefly
4. House (based on the assumption that I watch tv now)

Four places I've vacationed:
1. East coast Australia
2. The art rooms of my high school
3. Quebec
4. In the abyss of my mind

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Daddy’s Homemade Chinese
2. Daddy’s Homemade Chinese
3. Daddy’s Homemade Chinese
4. Daddy’s BBQ

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Blogs
2. Top left pixel
3. www.dictionary.com (yes people, my English is that bad!)
4. Guelph email and Hotmail

Four things I want to do before I die
1. Get the "Dr." title
2. Go to Japan
3. Get a black lab and name her Subaru
4. Have my own Artshow

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. The Whitsundays, Australia
2. At work so I can drool over the gorgeous grand pianos and run my fingers over the sleek black curves...and daydream about the wonderful music we can make together
3. The art room in my high school
4. Under a Sakura tree in Japan

Four bloggers I'm tagging:
1. Sara (I think lj users count right?)
2. Jack (so how many times have you been tagged now?)
3. Silph (so how many times have you been tagged now?)
4. James (so how many times have you been tagged now?)

What else do I learn in school?

2006-03-02T11:46:00.000-06:00

Give your best shot at this question:

What part of the male anatomy is referred to as "the curse of male humanity"?

a. penis
b. testis
c. brain
d. prostate
e. none of the above, the male humanity is not cursed.

Vent

2006-02-23T19:36:00.000-06:00

I’m once again convinced that the sole purpose of my brother’s existence is to make my life a living hell.

It’s my Reading Week. My week off.

He decides to have the flu.

When he has a fever, he is a moaning baby. When the fever is under control, he is bouncing off the walls. I get absolutely no work done at home with him buggin me every 20 minutes.

I know he likes my company. I know he is getting very bored staying at home all week.

But what about me?

I get nothing out of this. I don’t get better grades, I don’t get paid, and I feel no emotional compensation either.

Oh and...I think I’ve got the bug from my brother. I’m drinking a ridiculous amount of fluids and taking all kinds of herbal remedies to ward it off.

My parents will only have themselves to blame when I refuse them any grandchildren in the future.

Drunk

2006-02-22T21:55:00.000-06:00

Yes, that is my current state.

And I can type. Wow.

I need to dance this off...except I'm home like the girl I'm supposed to be.

The world is spinning behind the back of my eyelids...weeeeh.

Maybe I should've given him a kiss on the lips.

Too late...

Maybe next time. If there is a next time.

For now, I need something to occupy my mind with so I won't fall asleep drunk. I would hate a hangover in the morning.

Com'on ppl be online...
talk to me!

Pissed off! Long rant

2006-02-18T13:38:00.000-06:00

This entry is spurred by the unhappy venting of many singles on various blogs after Singles Awareness Day. And just to clarify, I call it Singles Awareness Day because the unhappy moans of singles are overwhelming. I think the title is worthy and reflective of the truth.

May I advocate that singleness is not a sin, a disease or something to be ashamed of?

May I advocate that one can still be happy without that significant other? (How dare I eh?)

First I give you, The Generally Accepted Societal Perceptions:

Job = financial security, possession of worthy skills, busy, ambitious, self-contentment, happiness, leader, team player, punctuality

Joblessness = lack of skills, laziness, stupidity, not ambitious, inability to cope with the modern environment, inability to work with others

Singleness = unattractiveness, inability to interact with others, weirdo, shyness, laziness, hopeless, unhappiness

Marriage/Relationship = attractive, socially acceptable, self-confident, worthy, normal, happiness

Divorced = unfaithful, irresponsible, inability to keep a lover, unhappiness

Childlessness = barrenness, weirdo, selfishness, stupidity, unhappiness

I don’t think I’m being harsh.

Think about it, if a couple in their mid 30s have no children, the first thing that comes to mind would be: why the hell not and what’s wrong with them? This applies if a person is in his/her 30s and is single/unemployed. We ask: what is wrong with them? Something must be wrong with them otherwise they would be married with children and working right?

The opposite is true for those who are married with children and employed. We think: My! What picture perfect family life…they must be happy. All families have their faults and their hardships yet we judge by first impression.

Ever noticed on game shows like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune, when the contestants are introduced they’d say “I am an Accountant, married to my beautiful wife Sara. I have three heavenly children, Michael, Helen and Clara.” Do you ever recall any contestant saying “I am currently unemployed, recently divorced, and I’m fighting over the custody of my child.” Monetary gain is obviously more important to the person in the second case, but people in such situations are not the ones getting money because they are deemed by society as “shameful” and “unworthy”.
Why do you suppose so many youths are pushed to become doctors and lawyers? Doctors are held in very high regard not only because of the noble nature of the profession, but also because the title “Doctor” commands respect and reverence in our society. Doctors often say that their job is very rewarding. But honestly, how can performing digital rectal examinations for grumpy old men on a regular basis be rewarding? That’s not the rewarding part they are talking about. The work is hard but damn it, everyone will like you because you are a doc. Being a doctor is a “feel good” job…whereas, being a plumber is not.

The same thing applies being single or attached. If we meet someone who seems perfect in every way but single. We ask: what’s wrong? Something must be wrong.

If we are introduced to someone as an attached person, we think: oh, this means he/she must be a great person. Is that true? What about those who are in relationships for the sake of a relationship? What about those who are abused and used in a relationship but decides to stay. They get the same ego boost and recognition from society from their “attached status” but really, are they happy?

I believe that the essence of human existence is to achieve contentment and acceptance within the self.

We all compete with one another and the only thing we are doing is to assure ourselves of our worth. The reward of fitting in the societal mold of worthiness is obviously constant ego boosts.

I’ve come to accept and even embrace the fact that I don’t fit in the middle of the stupid bell curve.

I’m different, get over it.

I do not, for the life or death of me, believe in love in first sight or fate. I do, however, believe in a certain level of serendipity in the way of the world; especially when it comes to love. I don’t question why it is that I haven’t had a relationship yet. People ask me about this ALL THE TIME. Please get over the fact that it just never happened. Period! I accept it. There is nothing wrong with me or the world. I don’t have bad karma. I love myself just the way I am and I will never bitch (constantly that is…venting is permitted) about the current state of my life if there is something I can do to change it.

I do not feel that marriage and children are compulsory components of life. To me, my reproductive capability is simply one of numerous potentials I could fulfill. I’ve been told that I’ll make a wonderful mother and wife. So what? I will also make a fabulous lawyer, chef, or a stripper. Your point? Don’t tell me what to do. I make my own choices and everyone should respect them.

How can I be a happy single? Because I love me. The argument that "what's the point of achievements if you have no one to share it with?” doesn’t work with me. I answer boldly “I achieve because I want to and what I achieve I share with the world”.

And this I say to all the singles out there: learn to love yourself. You must be able to love yourself to love another. You must be able to stand on your own two feet and boldly face the world. With love in your heart, you won’t mind being single.

And what do I do with "free" time huh?

2006-02-16T15:22:00.000-06:00

Waste it of course!

Check this out:

A story on Don't Date Him dot com

I've always wondered why people willingly let themselves be abused and used and then turn around and put the entire blame on their partner. Is this proof that love is blind?

If love is blind then all I have to do to be in love is take off my glasses.

I Like This

2006-02-14T13:04:00.000-06:00

Even Christa might even get a little freaked out!

Number two

2006-02-13T11:48:00.000-06:00

Mac at least wasted a nice piece of paper telling me that I didn't make it in the application race for their Med School.

They told me to apply again.

You bet I will.

What makes my day

2006-02-10T21:42:00.000-06:00

1. Seeing “Chinglish” in the Globe and Mail. Me so proud!

2. Seeing half naked black men dancing on stage.

3. Having lunch with Christa

4. Realising that missing my volunteer shift last week was a wise decision. I would've had to deal with 12 barfing 1st yr students from South Residence. Blood and gore is okay, vomit is not.

Com'on fingers, fly!!

2006-02-05T16:43:00.000-06:00

This past week have been dominated by this bloody paper.

I hate papers. My hand is cramping from the long hours of typing.

I can’t make good arguments for the life of me.

Actually, let me rephrase that: it takes way too long for me to pull anything decent out of my ass.

I’m skipping my volunteer shift to put in some much needed editing work. I feel so guilty for not going into the ER. But at the same time, I know this paper needs it. James kindly pointed out some very important things I need to improve on so I actually know what to edit.

Why is it that course work, the most important aspect of my life, is one that gets in the way of things I personally hold as more important? I don’t know when this paradox of values came into being but it’s driving me nuts!

On the other hand…I guess I’m guilty of poor time management. If I had handled things more efficiently then I would have made it to my shift today.

News...

2006-02-02T12:29:00.000-06:00

Just news...

I suppose a rejection email from U of Ottawa qualifies as bad news. That's right, they wouldn't even bother wasting a piece of paper for me. So a tree gets to live a bit longer...that makes me happy.

The reason: crappy grades!

I didn't make the cut off.

I think I'm taking this relatively well.

Cuz it's only my first rejection letter afterall.

At the College of Biological Science Career Night I had an hr long private chat with Anne Robinson, who got her MD from Western.

She got eight rejection letters before she got one acceptance letter.

I think I'm still good.

Advanced Sex Ed

2006-01-28T18:08:00.000-06:00

Sameer: "Is this the clitoris?" *points at cadaver with a probe*

Ching: "no, that's a part of the labia majora"

Ching: "This" *points at cadaver with a probe* "Is the clitoris"

Sameer: "Where? Oh wait, that's IT?"

Ching: "Yes."

Sameer: "oh."

Ching: "I know. Looks can be deceiving. Remember the prof said that it packs twice the amount of sensory receptor compared to the male genitalia"

Sameer: "damn"

Thanks Ross University

2006-01-26T15:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I got this flashy pamphlet from Ross Univerisity in the Carribean. Oh goodie, I thought, they want me in their med school.

After reading the pamphlet, it basically stated "Well, based on your MCAT score, you are not good enough for any medschools in the US. Sorry, did we just make you feel bad? We'll take you cuz we know you are desparate. We want to reap the international tuition out of ya and we don't care if you are second rate according to the other schools"

Really....

I feel SO flattered....

Bitten by the Procrastination Bug

2006-01-24T22:07:00.000-06:00

Thus the new layout.

I Miss Nudies (even though i've only ever had one in Australia)

2006-01-21T17:20:00.000-06:00

Nudies are Fruit Drinks, okay? Below are 37 reasons to have a nudie. I think it's funny.

If you’ve read the label of our mango and passion fruit crushie, you’ll know that there are 37 reasons a nudie is called a nudie.

And might even remember reasons 1) 2) and 3).

But for those of you that haven’t yet sampled the above-mentioned nudie crushie, here are all 37 reasons a nudie is called a nudie. Yep, the whole kit and caboodle!
Drum roll please!
1 It sounds kind of cute (well, we think so)
2 It was one of the few names that wasn’t already registered as a fruit juice trade mark
3 We think it pretty much sums up what our juicies and crushies and smoothies are all about. (As in nude, naked, as nature intended.)
4 The name’s pretty short (which compliments Tim – who’s pretty tall).
5 We’d heard that the phone number 1-800-GO-NUDIE had suddenly become available. (Call it – it really works!)
6 Having the name nudie will make it easy to come up with themes for our Christmas party
7 Answering the phone “Hello nudie” is much more fun than how Tall Tim used to answer the phone
8 It was about time the web address www.nudie.com.au was put to good use
9 Going into a store and asking for a nudie is a great way to break the ice
10 The idea of having a juice company name that doesn’t sound like a juice company name is fairly unique
11 The copywriter who wrote the labels was just using the term 'there are actually 37 reasons we called a nudie a nudie' as a figure of speech
12 Now it’s up to me: the lesser-paid but vastly more talented ‘web dude’ to come up with a seemingly endless list of reasons (how many to go?)
13 What I might do from here on is give you some reasons for other things, like reasons why the man (if you can call him that) who wrote the labels would do this to me
14 Perhaps he gains a sense of superiority from making others work harder and longer than he has to . . .
15 Particularly doing demeaning tasks . . .
16 Like coming up with an additional 34 reasons why something is called something
17 I mean, who put this much thought into naming anything?
18 Ask your mum and dad one of these days. How many reasons are there they called you your name?
19 How many reasons do you need to call something a something?
20 For my money, the first 3 reasons a nudie is called a nudie are pretty weak anyway
21 That whole ‘as nature intended’ thing has been done to death
22 Excuse me for getting cynical but, hey, I’m dying here
23 I’m suffering . . . and you’re still reading. Why?
24 I know that whole ‘you’re still reading’ thing has been done to death . . .
25 (and pardon me for repeating myself in the ‘done to death’ thing)
26 In fact, don’t pardon me. Tell your hard luck story to the copywriter who came up with this '37 reason' thing
27 Send complaints to labelwriter@nudie.com.au
28 Tell him that 3 reasons would have been plenty – less is more
29 I bet even if you tried you couldn't stop reading the rest of this list
30 Try stopping yourself, it is a good exercise in discipline
31 Ok, try a bit harder………
32 Forget trying, discipline, or even thinking about any form of restraint
33 Go crazy – read the last few – it will give you a sense of satisfaction
34 Nowhere near the type of satisfaction a nudie* gives you, though
35 *And I am talking about nudie – the drink
36 It is always good to end on a high note
37 It really is the best and freshest juice you can get short of popping around to Tall Tim’s house around breakfast time

More school!...Or...Maybe not

2006-01-18T12:04:00.000-06:00

I have become convinced that I won't get into grad school either.

The U of T application looks more and more hopeless as the days goes by. First off, they only look at my average in my last year...which happens to be my worst semester ever! Secondly, they want my U of Sydney Transcript, which has worse numbers to offer.

And this is a highly competitive program...as in, MDs apply to it, not just undergrad students. So that's what little old me is up against.

I would apply to other schools, such as Western or Ottawa, except that one of the profs whom I would seek reference is now retired and is currently out of the country (he's studying rocks in Arizona...)

Hm...I think I might be screwed.

And I guess I should get resumes and coverletters ready for employment.

I never thought it'd end up like this....

2006-01-14T13:16:00.000-06:00

"Twentysomething"

After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go travelling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
Could work the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even seperate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth elludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me

-Jamie Cullum

What NOT to do when I become a doc

2006-01-12T15:13:00.000-06:00

Listen to the heart of a female patient with a stethoscope by pressing into her left boob.

You'd be surprised how much the adipose tissue blocks the beating of the heart.

So now I understand why all my docs have been listening to my heart & respiration via my back...

This amazing epiphany came about the experiments in my Mammalian Physiology Lab. We were supposed to learn how to use a stethoscope, how to take and read blood pressure, and how to conduct an ECG test. We couldn't get a heartbeat from a girl with a stethoscope no matter where on her chest we pressed. And we became terribly uncomfortable for pressing into her breasts so much. We were sure that she was alive though. Luckily, I was found to have a heartbeat. I was also the fortunate subject for the ECG test, which means my finger, wrists, and ankle were all wired up and I had to ground myself by putting my foot on the floor to avoid an electric shock. The attachment pads were extremely sticky and pulling them off was like getting' a wax. Ali enjoyed ripping them off of me though...

Maybe I AM actually trying to kill myself

2006-01-10T17:25:00.000-06:00

Just came back from an intense kickboxing class. If I had known that Lynn was teaching it I would’ve avoided it. The last time I had her class, I couldn’t get out of bed the next day and I had to try really hard not to moan in pain just to put on my backpack.

And last time was in the middle of the semester, when I have been keeping up with these fitness classes.

This time is fresh after xmas break.

My muscles are going to LOVE me tomorrow.

All this is after learning all the bones, muscles, and ligaments of the pelvis in Human Anatomy and a mind blowing Corporate Finance lecture where Prof Adomait basically whipped through two chapters in half an hour.

Owwieeee....

2006-01-06T13:41:00.000-06:00

I love doing nothing all day and not feeling guilty about it.

This holiday season wasn’t that exciting, but it’s exactly what I needed. My schedule is basically: sleep, eat, dinner party, card games (Chinese euchre = normal euchre on crack), sleep...with the following variations: going skating, ER volunteer shifts, laundry, anime, movies, and reading my novel.

Last semester’s grades were simply awful. Forget medschool, gradschool would even frown upon it. I know I’m not doing myself any favours by flunking in 4th year, but I really really don’t want to stay another semester to finish up my undergrad. The world is waiting, what am I doing in Guelph? Taking an extra year with a lighter course load could, potentially raise my GPA, but I know I would be a ball of misery being stuck in Guelph on my own. I took a risk, and I accept the consequences. Hey, no Cs.

The Gradschool application site for U of T was down til Jan 3rd and now I'm having a major panic attack cuz the due date is Feb 1st. Yiiikes!!

In Review

2006-01-02T14:29:00.000-06:00

New Year Rez 2005

1. Cry less
Honestly don't know how to answer that one. To me, crying is a necessity at certain times. But I'm glad that things that would've set me off in tears in previous years didn't have the same effect this year.

2. Figure out Dreamweaver
Yeah, screw that one.

3. Figure out Macromedia Flash MX
Same as for number two.

4. Finish my websites (no matter how crappy they are!)
I did publish my website, although it's not active anymore.

5. Sleep at least 7hrs each night (good luck!)
I only violated this during exams. Only twice. Not too shabby.

6. Finish learning (damn, what’s that song called…) Gr. 9 piano piece by Bach that I’ve been trying to learn for the past three (yes three) years
Well, I played it hands together once, does that count?

7. Practice flute at least once a week (not counting rehearsal)
Nope. I really should've though.

8. Not lose any more cameras
Check! :D

9. Not lose any more keys
Check! :D

10. Take multivitamins
Check!

11. Lose Boyfriend Impaired status
A for effort? I did try.

12. Score 10 on each section of the MCAT
What was I thinkin... Nope, didn't make that.

13. Make the bed for at least three days a week
That one died in the second week.

14. No swearing near Alan
>:< Failed at this one as well.

15. Procrastinate less (good luck on this one as well)
It's hard to measure how much I procrastinate...really. SO...should I give myself this one?

16. Keep in contact with friends
I think I'm good. I sent off xmas cards to Sweden, Germany, the UK and Australia.

17. Volunteer (babysitting brother doesn’t count)
Lovin' the ER.

18. Always maintain positive attitude
Maybe not always, but I've always tried to maintain a positive attitude. A for effort again?

19. Freak out less
Grade wise, yes, I did freak out less. At least compared to my fellow Biomed students.

20. Stop regretting the past
Check. I'm movin on baby!

2005-12-19T16:37:00.000-06:00

My past weekend has been filled with music recitals. Going to recitals as a teacher is very exciting, but also tiring. On Sunday night the big boss Ken invited all the staff out to dinner. I couldn't believe his generousity since each one of the staff is also allowed a guest. Of course, I went alone.

Tang, one of the guitar teachers asked "So what's after undergrad?"

Me: "Medschool"

Tang: "That's such a banana thing to do."

Me: "I know"

Tang: "God, that's such a banana pleasing thing to do."

At that moment I felt terribly Asian and terribly unrebelious in my career choice. I just have to remind myself that I chose my path for my own reasons and not anyone else's.

I believe it

2005-12-15T13:48:00.000-06:00

Androgynous
You scored 66 masculinity and 60 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 61% on masculinity

You scored higher than 47% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I Miss Beer

2005-12-14T16:15:00.000-06:00

I miss life, actually.

I miss living.

Dad and I both had final exams yesterday, and we both had a terrible night sleep. Dad's exam was on machine parts, measurements and other sorts of things related to automobile manufacturing. I was tested on my knowledge of two -ologies. Well, I know of the two -ologies. It's the best I can do.

It was strange, sitting at the dinner table with my dad, both of us utterly exhausted yet relieved, eating, and drinking beer together. The drinking part started when I stole a mouthful from his bottle, I thought he'd be mad at me. Instead, Dad grabed a glass and encouragrd further consumption.

I honestly didn't know how he'd react at first, since the traditional Chinese sentiment is that girls don't drink. And that at social gatherings, he's always refused drinks for me. But I think I'd be pretty upset had he reacted negatively yesterday given I was suffering from post-exam depression.

It was good.

2005-12-08T15:51:00.000-06:00

Why I'm not crying about the Immunology exam I just wrote is beyond me. Maybe I'm having a DTH reaction...

Or maybe I just don't care.

Or maybe I'm just used to bombing all my exams.

I mean, technically, my goal this semster is to survive my courses. But really, I should be setting a bar above the passing point.

On to Histology

Almost there

2005-12-07T20:53:00.000-06:00

So I made it to campus by 8:30am today and came home at 9:30pm.

I couldn't resist coming on the computer and making a blog entry. The day could've been horrible...and a part of it was. F**king acid reflux!!

Good thing I had a study session with Sara. I didn't remember my stomach pain while being royally confused by the Complement System Unit. I'm quite proud of myself for learning that unit in 45 minutes.

Then the stupid acid reflux came back. So I went to bug Sara on her radio show...and went on the air (unexpectedly, might I add). And no, unlike Sara, I do not have a sexy voice.

Perhaps I should call it a night.

2005-12-05T08:11:00.000-06:00

I just realized.

My goal in life.

It’s not to fall in love.

It’s not to get into Med School.

It’s not to be a millionaire.

It’s not to win a Nobel Prize.

It’s not to save the world.

My goal in life is to die happy.

That’s right.

How many people die happy? How many people die with complete resolve and contentment of what they did in their life time? How many people die with no regrets and no worries?

I don’t know exactly what I want in life. But even if I will never find it, what ever it is, I hope that when I die, I will be proud of my journey.

So in order to die happy, I must have conscious awareness of myself...no vegetative state or late stage Alzheimer’s for me.